Sunday, May 30, 2010

Wedding, Babies, Diapers, oh my!

My wedding is in 5 days. So far the weather report is cloudy and 75. I've gathered all the linens and vintage green vases. We've made 50 giant tissue poms and my friend Heather is making the vellum mobiles. I've washed about half of the mason jars we're using as glasses. My dress is clean. The apple seating cards are cut and finished and ribbon. We cut up about a million yards of tulle and snipped silk daffodils for the chair back decorations. I cut out and glued about a million little birdie cards for the guests to pin a message to a clothesline. We put together a line of photos from our life.

I need to... wash the punchbowls, finish washing the mason jars, make the cake stands, make signs out of circles of wood that say things like, "Please take a card and leave a message for Kurt and Amanda," or whatever, create a photo bucket for guests to upload their photos, make photo jars, paint my toenails (which will be Kurt's job because I can't reach them), make caramel apples, buy flowers and napkins. Kurt needs to put together cds of the music we're not finished picking out yet. I need to buy Kurt an orange shirt and tie. Mostly I need to get it together and finish writing my vows.

But, there are still 5 days, so mostly, I'd say we're good to go. I think? Or maybe I'm freaking out about what still needs to be done? I can't tell.

Scouty is walking me down the aisle, and when the officiant asks, "Who gives this woman away to be married?" She is going to say in her heartbreakingly adorable little voice, "I do!" We've been practicing.

Kurt and I are planning to dance our first dance to Rilo Kiley's I never. ( It's kind of a flashy song for Kurt and it's kind of a long song for me to be on my feet, haha, but it's perfect.

Kurt and Scouty are going to have a daddy/daughter dance to this song: It makes me cry just to think about it. I'm going to bawl in person. Kurt put it on a cd for me, and when I heard it, it just seemed perfect for little Scouty B, since... well... before her, we were only killing ourselves. We found our one thing to love more than being lost and dying, and it was only just barely not too late.

(Cut for secrets.)

Also, I am 34 weeks pregnant. I'm huge and ungainly and it takes me 5 minutes of whining and sighing to get up out of a chair. The heat has been KILLING me and making me barf. But, mostly, I'm just trying to enjoy this time before Baby Louise turns our lives completely upside down. I'm making sure to drink up my Scouty as much as I can, to play whatever she wants to play and to make her feel special and loved and perfect as much I can before it's time for her to share me with a little sister. I love my girl so much, you guys. Every second I spend with her is me, spilling over with pride and gratefulness. She's such a good little kid. She's so happy and sweet and nice and polite. I love spending my life with her.

I have to admit that I'm more than a little scared about things changing. She starts preschool on June 14th, which blows my mind. But, I know she'll love it. She'll love making friends in an environment where everything is controlled and meanness is prohibited and where she can eat lunch and play and listen to stories and learn about music with other kids. I just can't fathom how it's going to feel to take her to school and then just turn around and walk out. She's ready. We talk about it all the time, how mommy and Feather are going to take Scouty and Eliot to school and then we're going to leave them there to play and have fun and learn. About how the teachers will keep them safe and happy until we come back to get them and hear about all the fun things they did. She's ready, but I'm not.

And then, thinking about sharing my energy and love with another child. I have no idea how that's going to work either, but everybody assures me that it will. That Baby Lulu will be just as much of a blessing in our family as Scouty B has been. That I'll love her just as much as I love my Baby B. That they'll love being sisters. I believe all of these things, I just can't picture them, not really. It seems impossible that anybody could ever mean as much to me as Scouty, but I know that it's true. That's crazy, isn't it?

I try not to think too much about how it's going to be hard... the c-section recovery and nursing and not sleeping and stressing out, about how I don't want to go crazy again and start having panic attacks like I did in the weeks and months after having Scouty, heart palpitations and being stuck in the house, bolting awake at night hearing a baby that isn't crying, worrying that I'm not good enough, that I don't know what I'm doing. Everybody also says that it will be easier this time because I WILL know what I'm doing, and I hope they're right. Hopefully Baby Lulu's birth won't be so traumatic, that I'll heal properly and quickly, that my boobs will make enough milk and that I won't be shamed and embarrassed if they don't. That I'll be brave and we'll go places and not be intimidated by getting back out into the world. That I'll let myself sleep when it's my turn and I won't spring to my feet in a panic when I hear her little voice in the night. Most of all, I hope that, even though things won't be perfect, I'll be wiser and more prepared to handle it all.

How about diapers? Right now, I have about 12 one size BGs, 4 one size Smartipants, 7 small fitteds, 2 infant fitteds, 1 small cover, 12 infant prefolds, 2 small AIOs, 1 weird one size chinese pocket diaper from ebay. So, I need covers, snappis and I want to bulk up my stash of one sizes. Scouty currently uses two BG's per night because I can't stuff them big enough to last her all night and have them still fit her. Kurt goes in and changes her in the night before he goes to bed. That seems crazy, but she doesn't even notice it's happening. She just sleeps right through the change. So, they currently share the BGs. I want like... 10 more one sizes at least, but I'll work on that after I see how much money we have after the wedding. So, I'm on my way to a pretty nice little diaper stash.

I have been loving using cloth, so far, although I've only ever dealt with one poopy diaper about 6 or 7 months ago when Scouty was sick. Now, she's completely potty trained all day and during her nap. We just have to work on night time, but I'm not in a huge rush. She's been doing awesome.

Okay, holy cow. I need to get showered and do some wedding chores while I have the time to myself! But that's what's been up with me. Totally overwhelmed and exhausted, but healthy and settled and happy and in love. :)