I'm sick today. Kurt took the girls out for breakfast and then to his parents' house. Before they left, Kurt tucked me in on the couch with Scouty's Spongebob comforter, a cup of tea and an Iggy dvd on the tv. I laid there for about 2 full minutes, looking around at the toys and piles of laundry and empty milk cuppies and is that a dirty diaper? And then I got up and started cleaning. I decided to empty the dishwasher and take the diapers downstairs to be washed, because... just because I'm sick doesn't mean that I can't still live my life. Oh! And I should just workout because you always read that you should still get some exercise when you're sick.
But then, wait a minute...
This part of my life totally sucks! The doing dishes and washing diapers and picking up toys and folding laundry part.
So I decided to "f that" and lay back down on the couch. Maybe I won't even get out of my pajamas today. (And by pajamas, I mean a pair of yoga pants with an obscene rip in the crotch and Kurt's Golden Girls t-shirt.) Hey, I'm not going to shower and I think I'll even eat something warm and terrible like pancakes or mashed potatoes and drink tea. I've surely been sick several times since my girls were born, but I seriously cannot remember a single day when I've been able to just be still and not mill around doing things, making lists in my head, running to the grocery store, getting things done. You know what, oozing squished blueberry on the kitchen floor? You can stay there until tomorrow.
I think I've been so totally twisted by mommyhood that I've convinced myself that I find doing chores and running errands without the kids to be more relaxing and fun for me than actual relaxing and fun things.
I'm sure that on a broad scale, cleaning and being stocked with supplies and having our possessions in some kind of order DOES allow me to be more relaxed in my every day life. But not today. Today I have a sore throat and a headache and I'm going to do things that I actually find to be fun and relaxing.
Is it sad that I have to think for a minute about what those things might be? And that I'm totally making a list of fun and relaxing things to be sure that I fit them all into my day?
What do you do for fun and/or to relax? I mean, really think about it. What do you like to do?
I sucked at answering this question for a long time because my list of fun activities read like this:
1. Illicit substances and subsequent activities.
And then, about 5 years ago, I had my first baby and my thoughts on fun were more like this:
1. Fun doesn't exist. There is no time or energy for fun because I'm in charge of a new little life and there is so much to worry about. We try to do fun things, like take a walk at the park, but the whole time I'm just fumbling with the diaper bag and pinching my finger in the stroller and then I have to keep track of when my baby last ate, and surely something will go terribly wrong if I don't feed her at exactly 4 hour intervals. Uh oh! And she will be due for a nap pretty soon and I don't know if I want to risk skipping it because then what if the fragile balance of sleep training is upset and we're up all night?
Once I got my bearings and realized that my daughter wasn't going to die if I decided to use the bathroom and let her cry for a few minutes, I understood that I didn't know what it was that mommies did. I was an outlaw and a blight on society, wasn't I? I wasn't a wholesome parent with a glowing little seed of life in my palm, was I? I felt so out of place, in mommy world. I had dreadlocks that reached down my back and my clothes were worn and ridiculous and I went around feeling so out of place and it certainly wasn't very much fun.
I don't know when I fully made the switch. Cutting my hair helped me to feel invisible, I think... which was a good sort of palate for starting over with what my whole deal was. And now I have two kids and own a house and two cars and my husband is an accountant and I love him so easily and honestly. I AM mommy world, now. I bake bread and pack lunches and can run a sweeper while holding a baby. I make up a game about how exciting scrubbing the floor is and my three year old totally buys it. I have become TOTALLY accustomed to the idea that my baby isn't going to perish if I leave her while I use the bathroom. Scouty goes to school and Louisey doesn't have any kind of nap schedule. I am constantly floundering around for control over my life that I'm never going to have, and you know what? I love it all. Maybe it isn't always fun and maybe sometimes I stop in the middle of a pile of toys and clothes and yell, "Everybody silent! No talking, no moving, for 5 minutes! Shh! I mean it!" But, it feels so right, for me, right now.
I had to work hard to go from being a cool slacker with absolutely no merit or future to being the world's best and most awesome mom. I accomplished this mess and this floor cleaning game and this state of chaos that I sometimes feel is going to drive me mad. I did it. I'm here. My kids are beautiful and happy and amazing and everybody loves them. I love them. I love me. I love it all.
Riding my bike
Walking in The Strip
Taking long walks
Going to health food stores
Watching our huge tv
Is that a respectable list of things I like to do for fun?
Today, my sick day list goes like this:
1. Watching our huge tv.
2. Maybe read. We'll see.