I feel like I barely ever disagree with people anymore. I have so few precious opportunities to build and maintain relationships, with the way my life is structured right now. I'm so consumed with the daily tasks involved with caring for my children, that the way I relate to other people has been shaved and pared down to a sort of streamlined and efficient thing.
What I mean is that... I spend time with other moms. Specifically other moms that like to be around my children and have a similar lifestyle to the one we lead. That way, no matter what Scout, Louise and I are up to, our friendships can be easily integrated into our lives.
This approach to socializing isn't on purpose. It's just that, I'm barely clinging to a thread of sanity, most days. I just don't have the wherewithal to start and/or maintain relationships with people who aren't up for a morning trip to the library, or who can't come over for a lunch of pretzels, peanut butter and apple slices at a moment's notice. I can't plan time away from my girls. I can't tell you for sure that I'll be able to see you if you're in town for a few days and have a busy visit scheduled, even if I want to see you a lot.
Disagreeing doesn't come up very often. The biggest debates I get into anymore are with a four year old and involve pressing subjects like a compulsive need to wear a certain pair of My Little Pony underwear. (The Rainbow Dash ones. Don't even tell me they're dirty.)
I notice, though... that every time I mention God on my blog, or the fact that I formula feed, I lose a few followers. My feed subscribe level drops just a little bit.
So, let me just say something.
I don't believe in God or support the institution of religion. For me, spirituality involves weather and words. It's about the feathering of my daughter's eyelashes and the way the sunlight catches them when my husband lifts her up to fly in the clouds. I don't even have any nice things to say about my extensive involvement within the confines of Christianity as a child. I don't try to find nice things to say. As a matter of fact, I purposefully voice opinions that aren't nice, sometimes.
Also, I don't (and didn't) breastfeed my children. I have reasons. I also feel like my reasons aren't important. I would be more than happy to share them with you, if this is something that is very important to you and you'd like to talk to me about it. Really. Go ahead and ask. I don't mind.
I'm not ashamed of my choices and experiences with bottle feeding, but I will say that I kind of don't care, either. When women start debating this topic, I just sort of feel happy that in a few more months, I can put the subject (and cost) of formula behind me forever. I don't care if you breastfeed or bottle feed. I don't care if you feed your baby a steady diet of pond water and snake pee, as long as your baby is healthy, cared for and happy. I care a great deal about it when people do things to neglect or hurt their babies. Feeding your child in a way that doesn't raise eyebrows within the medical establishment isn't one of those things. I just don't care what you do.
So, there we go. Those are two topics that people disagree with me about. I brought them up so that I might be able to say this:
I love this about grown up life. When I was young, things were always happening that had me cutting off and throwing away friendships right and left. I can't EVEN believe that she said that Robert Smith looks like an ugly woman. I'm not being friends with somebody who can't appreciate true sexy genius.
Now that I'm grown, I am fully able to say that my self-esteem is not so tied up in anything you think about anything, even in what you think about me, that your opinion could be dangerous to me. It's a very free way to feel.
Not only is it nice to disagree with someone without having it ruin my day (or life)... I feel like it has actually served to help me to appreciate and love some people even better, even more, because, when I realized that people's opinions aren't dangerous to me, I didn't have to reserve parts of myself, in case of disappointment. I am even able to appreciate and enjoy things about other people that are totally different, even in opposition to ways I conduct myself.
It's nice and preferable to agree, but it's okay if we can't. I will even go as far as to claim that disagreeing is, or can be, an important part of a real, grown up relationship.
What do you think? How do you deal with confrontation and disagreement? Do you feel like you handle it well? Do you find yourself only seeking out people who believe the same way you do? I'm just curious.
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I think in 'real life' I hang out mainly with people I agree with. It wasn't intentional, but just kind of happened as my husband works for a faith-based organization and many of our friends work with him.
ReplyDeleteIn the blogging world, I really *enjoy* following people I may not agree with... not to get into fights, but because I think it's refreshing to hear thoughts that probably wouldn't normally be in my own head.
For example, I'm Roman Catholic, always have been and probably always will be. I love my faith, but am I going to be offended and put off from your blog because you don't? Nope. I love your writing, and that's why I read your blog. I don't read it because I expect us to have identical lifestyles or lives.
That being said, I actually very rarely comment on blogs (even my own friends') for fear of confrontation. I'm overly sensitive, and I know it.
Thank you. Thank you for your honesty, bravery and belief in yourself. I hear you and I so truly appreciate your writing.
ReplyDeleteWow. You really put that into the exact right words. (I know, I'm agreeing with you ... so ... sue me.)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously. I have found that the hardest part of motherhood is talking about choices without having others think that you are criticising them if my choices are not theirs. I would love to hear why they do the things they do, (and what).
I breastfed. I breastfed in public, without fanfare, but also without apology. I happen to fall on the private side of things, so I was less controversial than some, but more than others. I breastfed two children at one time; they were 18 months apart in age. I breastfed two of my three children until they were ready to be finished, one quit on me at 2. I breastfed because it worked for me, and it worked for us.
That said, I think it is horrendous, the self-righteousness of some advocates and of some who think it is disgusting. How about we each just make our choices and raise our kids to respect each other by, I don't know, respecting each other? That would be totally rad.
Let me tell you, I love what you write about, and how you write it. I am fairly new to your blog, but you put things in ways that I just sigh, oh, ya baby. And (in case you haven't noticed) I am a commenter. But I am not a disagree-er on blogs. Unless asked directly for my opinion (and even then I am diplomatic and gentle IF I choose to voice dissent at all), I just don't see it as my roll as a guest.
karen
ps. "For me, spirituality involves weather and words. It's about the feathering of my daughter's eyelashes and the way the sunlight catches them when my husband lifts her up to fly in the clouds." THIS is why I read you. I am not poetic like this, and don't even like a lot of poetry. But this? Well. For me, exactly. I get butterflies and tears each time I read that.
I was just thinking about this same thing after our discussion at the park today concerning the do you / did you /will you breastfeed subject. To me it's more, "tell me about your personal experience, I'm interested in getting to know you," and not so much, "Tell me what you are doing so I can make sure it's the same as what I'm doing." (And PS - if I came off as self-righteous in any way, I sincerely apologize!)
ReplyDeleteI want to be friends with moms who are conscious parents and are constantly thinking and doing what they feel is best for their families, regardless of whether or not it's the exact same thing I'm doing. That's not so important. These choices (like breastfeeding or cloth diapering or whatever) are personal and each individual has to make them, and frankly, I have enough decisions of my own to make, I can't be worrying about every choice other mothers are making. And my not choosing the same choices of other mothers doesn't even constitute a disagreement. For me, it's just a different way of doing the same thing.
When Eliot was a baby, I was definitely one of those militant announcers of: I'm a breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, attachment parent! I'm doing it right, goddammit! But I was just a newbie then. It wasn't until I got some real-life experience under my belt that I realized I could only do it right FOR US.
PS - I'm really glad that we're friends.
Alzbeta, thank you so much for commenting with your thoughts. I honestly feel so glad and grateful that I can have relationships, even if just obscure bloggy ones, with people who aren't living in exactly the same way I am. It's important to me and I appreciate you being here.
ReplyDeleteFeather, you never come off as being self-righteous! I'm happy for you that breastfeeding works for you and that you can have big, juicy breastfed babies. You're even allowed to brag about it, if you want to. It's hard work to breastfeed and I totally know and acknowledge that.
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel the same way about this - "I want to be friends with moms who are conscious parents and are constantly thinking and doing what they feel is best for their families, regardless of whether or not it's the exact same thing I'm doing."
I really feel like, as long as you're acting in an educated way and have your children's best interest at heart, you can make whatever choices you want to! It's none of my business.
Karen, I totally agree with you that it's hard to talk about parenting choices without someone's feelings getting hurt. I one hundred percent believe it's because becoming a parent is such a HUGE thing. Everybody feels incapable, to some degree, at least at first. And since you're in new territory with these new huge responsibilities, you're extra sensitive to criticism. So sensitive that you can perceive something as being criticism when it wasn't meant that way.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to begin with. It just seems silly to me to add extra pressure by competing with other moms and they way they choose to do things.
Also, as a side note, I always totally appreciate your thoughtful comments. I'm glad you're here.
Thanks Amanda. That means a lot to me. Being made welcome, especially by someone I admire, is a treasure. (Brought tears to my eyes, in fact.)
ReplyDeleteOOOOH MAN DO I LOVE YOU!!!! couldn't have said it better myself!
ReplyDeleteI love when Mr Stralight and I dissagree about something because we always talk about the topic and I get to hear another opinion which can expand my horizons.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to say about breastfeeding but I think that there's nothing wrong if you don't breastfeed your child. My mum didn't have milk so she didn't breastfeed me and I turned out just fine.
Just wanted to stop in and say that I thought this was an excellent blog post. Who knew that disagreeing would be a welcome facet of growing up? Thanks for your frank perspective and sharing your insight.
ReplyDeleteI think I handle disagreement and confrontation fairly well. Until someone says something completely ignorant and hateful. Or until someone is disrespectful of my opinion on the topic being discussed. Then, I pretty much shutdown and withdraw myself from the situation. There are very few people anymore who are worth the effort to try and get them to see my point of view. I'm just too busy with other more important things to bother. For that reason, I think I am drawn to like minded people. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy respectful debate and often find it even among my like minded friends. But our hours here on earth are numbered and I, for one, would much rather spend them in happy situations than contentious ones.
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