I'm a mess.
I want to be together and with it. I want to have a tidy life, and I just really, really don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm just barely clinging to a distant notion of being acceptable. It feels like, each day, I wake up in the middle of a flurry of things to do, messes to wade around in, schedules that I'm constantly failing to adhere to.
As my babies get older will I be able to get it under control? Or am I doomed to unwashed hair, digging for pants in the laundry, stepping over unfolded clothing, chugging a smoothie for breakfast. Is this just how I am, as an adult? Hurried and overwhelmed and struggling to keep up with reality. Or is this just the life of a woman with an 11 month old baby and a 4 year old child?
Please, those of you who have kids who are older, tell me it gets better. Actually, tell me that you remember feeling this way, like every day was a race to juggle a bunch of tasks that can never actually be completed, and that it gets better.
We're making laundry just as fast as I can clean it.
We're eating up the food as quickly as I can cook it.
And, mostly, this isn't my life. I refuse to make this the meat of my existence, but it's hard not to have diapers on your mind when the pail is full.
Do you know what I mean?
I am not a person who cares about keeping a super clean house. I only care about it being clean enough that we can have friends over for lunch without having to invite them to sit on a pile of unwashed towels and eat out of a big leaf from the tree in the back yard because all of the bowls are dirty. Here. Here's a stick you can kind of poke your food with and get it into your mouth. Sorry, I didn't have time to wash forks.
Sometimes I feel like I spend all of my waking time running after tasks that i have no interest in, cleaning and shopping and cooking and cleaning and being on time, and let's not even get started about things I actually do have an interest in, like not smelling and not having a house that smells like diapers and garbage.
I'm finding it really hard to keep up. I need advice. Do I throw/give away everything and live minimally, so that our house isn't a toppling pile of possessions that's threatening to smother me? Is it not the fault of the number of possessions, but just how I have everything organized?
Do I need to start waking up early to fit a work out in, so that I'm not scrambling to get to the gym after supper? What about the fact that I'm an anxiety ridden mess if I don't get enough sleep?
What tricks and rules do you use to keep yourself and your family running smoothly? How do you keep up with your children and the messes, responsibilities and activities they come along with? Are you really out there in your kitchen somewhere right now, wearing your one year old child in a sling while you wash dishes and pack lunches for tomorrow? Then how come mine just screams and dives for the knife drawer every time I pick up a dish?
When you out there, when you take pictures of your heels and red lipstick and talk about how you're a rockstar at housework, are you just messing with my head? Have you really had on a cute pale yellow dress all afternoon and your children didn't totally destroy it? Are you really wearing make up to play in the back yard? How is this possible?
Maybe this is what we're all talking about. Maybe this is the mommy thing, the thing we used to be afraid to admit, but now we're talking about. Maybe this is just how it is, how we all laugh and nod our heads when somebody talks about scrubbing poop out of the bathtub or peeing her pants in the grocery store during a really big sneeze. Is this just how we all feel, and the point is to enjoy our beautiful children in spite of all the exhaustion, because someday they'll be grown and they won't be making diapers to wash and we'll wish for a moment of this pandemonium back? We'll wish for one of these ungodly early mornings, being roused by a perfect little voice saying, "Daddy said to tell you Cheesy took off her diaper in her crib and everything smells like pee."
Is that all it is? Do I just need to let it all go, and do my best to keep up, but mostly I just shouldn't worry because it will get better?
Because I do understand that my babies are only babies for such a short time. I do squeeze them and flip them upside down and kiss their fat little chins because it makes them giggle. I do crawl onto their bedroom floor at night, just to stare at their tiny little chests rising and falling. I do love them like the sun's gone out, I do.
I just can't keep up with them.
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I only have one 10 month old and I think having 2 (or more) is a different beast but here goes:
ReplyDeleteWhen I post about cooking on my blog, I crop out the dirty dishes in the sink from my photos. Sometimes I only get out of my pj's and get dressed because my husband is on his way home. When it isn't crawling up the wall from the hamper, laundry sits on the couch for days waiting to be folded. I hate walking barefoot in my own house because there is usually some sort of crumb just waiting to hitch a ride. I can't remember the last time I wore heels.
I thought when I started this SAHM journey that I would be on top of my game at all times. That the baby would always be happy and tidy. There would never be hair in the bathroom sink. The bookshelves would be dust free. That just isn't the way it works. At least, not for me. That being said, my baby, my husband and i are all happy.
There may be something to the idea of downsizing. There is a great quote about only keeping things in your house that are both beautiful and functional. Get rid of the rest. Let Scouty go through her toys and get rid of what she doesn't want. Or box them up to save for a rainy day. Maybe think about "resetting" your domestic life. Have a cleaning lady come in and give the house a good once over and start fresh.
I hope your fantastic husband is helpful. Based on your writing, it sounds like he is. :)
Oh, dear goodness, you are so speaking my language. I started tallying the messes... but then I decided that you know. You're there too. I haven't felt truly proud of our little apartment in months... it feels like forever. I just can't get a breath right now. Good thing I have a sweet, sweet baby and husband to distract me from my OCD and the messes every once in awhile :).
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of an article I read a while back about studies that have shown that parents aren't any happier than their childless peers: http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't necessarily agree with everything in this article, it's definitely thought-provoking - yes, having children is rewarding and awesome but the reality of the day-to-day frustrations you experience as a parent can really suck your soul dry.
As far as the kids themselves, I think it really does get easier but then probably harder when they become teenagers (let's hope not). My stepdaughter is 6 now and she has matured so much in the past 2 years that it's amazing. And I've heard that 7 is even better.
It gets easier. Daughter now helps with putting away dishes and picking up her room (although I do still sometimes have to go sweep everything out from under her bed) and Son is better at entertaining himself so I can get some stuff done. Being organized with less stuff helps, but that's not everything. I still have messes and laundry piled up (having clothes lines has helped with the folding), but three out of four of us are learning how to help keep everything under control.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my friend just had a baby and wore heels to the baptism and I thought you can tell her baby isn't moving around yet. I don't know any mom who has children of moving age that wears heels unless her kids are at a sitter.
I have two under 2 (well, not anymore, as my older son turned 2 earlier this month), and I feel the same way you do. Some days I'm awesome at keeping things clean and stuff, but most of the time the house looks like a wreck. To me, the solution definitely is living minimally, which we are working on bit by bit. It really does make a difference if you have less stuff.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when it comes to keeping the kitchen clean, I try to clean as I go - you know, get the breakfast dishes done ASAP, etc. But like I said, some days are better than others. My younger son still wakes up several times a night to nurse, so most days I really am too tired to give a crap about the dishes. ;)
I do the babywearing thing a lot; I don't think I would have survived two under 2 without it. I use the Ergo and wear my younger son a lot on my back while cooking and doing dishes, etc. I could not get a damn thing done if I were using a sling, I don't think.
I try to shower at night so that I'm guaranteed a shower every day. I have no idea what to tell you about the working out because that doesn't even figure into my life right now. I'm trying to get on a writing schedule and that is very difficult.
I wash diapers every night (but I have two in diapers, so I have to) and the laundry never ends! But we just leave it in the laundry baskets until we can get to it. I try to just accept that this is my life right now. There will be days when the house looks great and days when it looks like the town dump. Clean houses aren't very interesting anyway. :)
Mine are 8, 6.5 and 4. It gets better, in the intensity way. I remember this one time when I was pregnant with my (planned) third kid and the other two were in preschool for four hours a week and, for the four hours, when I wasn't (gestating) sleeping or running errands, I caught a glimpse of what it would (and is) like post babies and diapers.
ReplyDeleteNow my big challenge is talking myself out of staying up late. (And I'm talking really, ridiculously late.) I'm pretty sure that it will be my big regret, this being so sleep deprived just to get myself some me time. My youngest has another year, or two if I don't put him into the new all-day kindergarten program here, and more and more able to do things for and on his own as needed.
I remember feeling so much like you and, if you are at all like me, organisation may be important but it isn't something I'm a natural at so ... it can feel like you're sinking sometimes ... a bit like something uncomfortably familiar from some time before. But it IS different. It is only a moment in time and it passes, and I think that our challenge is to handle the time with as much of our style and panache (and occasional grace) as possible. Because every day is 6 years long until it is over, and the weeks stretch until they snap, but the seasons pass with surprising, nay shocking, rapidity.
I was lucky. My eldest sister had her kids really early (I was 14 when her first came, she was 20). and my other two sisters had kids before me too. I remember how messy their houses were, how frazzled they seemed. I think when things went sideways here, it was a lot easier for me to shrug, look at my sisters' lives now, and know that it definitely gets easier. Less cute though.
Which is why I gotta get to bed. I can't see straight and I wonder, how fair is it to the kids and to me if I can't see straight because I refuse, like a bratty 7 year old, to go to bed. The time is short, and soon enough my kids will be at school and I will have hours to accomplish.
Alls I'm trying to say is ... I know how you feel. Exactly. I hope all of these comments give you reassurance that you are, indeed, exactly where you should be and it is, indeed, temporary.