There are times where I feel downright tearful about this. My baby, my BABY! Then, there are other times like last night when I randomly become convinced that I'm pregnant and I can't sleep because my mind is spinning with the logistics of fitting another person into our house and budget.
If Kurt and I give up the big bedroom, we can put two kids in it. Actually our closet is pretty big, maybe we could put their beds in there and decorate it with glowy stars. It could be like a fun little hideaway. Of course we could never admit about this "hideway" to my parents-in-law or really any visiting guests, and am I seriously considering putting my children into the CLOSET? Oh god. Maybe we could just chain them to the walls and put a black and white tv with rabbit ears in there, one that only shows fuzz. This is a TERRIBLE IDEA. The only way we can have another kid is if I build a shack in the back yard and move into it. It might be cozy.
On nights like those, I come downstairs where Kurt is up late watching sports and I tell him, "I can't sleep because if we have another baby they'll become closet dwellers." He talks me down from the ledge by working out the logistics of our last semi-reckless rendezvous (read: full body armor soaked in spermicide wasn't donned at the first hint we were even thinking about sex,) compared to my cycle and it really is wonderful to be married to somebody who loves math and statistics so much.
He's right. I'm not pregnant. Just PMS-ing.
Most of the time, PMS is just annoying... like, I'll start to cry because I can't find one of the straps to my favorite bra after doing laundry. And, even though I'm the one who did the laundry, I'll find a way to blame Kurt. I might even call him at work and tell him how that bra was the only bra that didn't make me go crazy with uncomfortableness and it's his fault that I'm going to adjusting all day.
This time, however, there is a lesson to learn from my pre-menstrual crazies. No matter how sad it makes me to see my littlest baby get big, sometimes... no matter how soft and warm and squishy and WONDERFUL SMELLING my friend's infants are, I DO NOT really want another baby.
So, my baby is turning one? What's so heartbreaking about that? And what's so great about newborns, anyway? Is it the way they're so pure and beautiful that they make you feel like you've just been born yourself? Is it the newness and softness that reaches into your soul and rearranges you so that you're sure you understand the meaning of life? Yeah. God. Newborns are pretty magical and awesome. Well, I've had all of those things in my life, twice.
I'm just going to have to embrace the wonderfulness of 1 and 4 years old, because they're awesomely magical, too. It's just that they're here, and newborn is gone forever. I just need to think about the closet hideaway and remember that no more newborns is a good thing.
At least in our family.
That doesn't mean that I can't smell my friend's babies and hold them and get a little bit of that tingly, zen, this is the meaning of beauty and life feeling, by-proxy.
I love you, my big almost one year old, and my love for you only grows, as you do. You and your sister are enough for me.
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Aw, such a sweet post. And! There may be newborns in your life again someday... Grandchildren?!? Too early to think about that, now. Hahaha.
ReplyDeleteIt goes by so terribly fast, doesn't it? Now that my kids are 9 and 6 I can't imagine a newborn or even a baby for that matter. I'm with you...I'll enjoy my friend's babies and my younger nieces!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE how comfortable you are with your family as it is. I don't know why, but I can't seem to shake the thought of a third baby, and I never, ever, thought I would consider more than two kids. I don't know if it's just my biological clock, or if it's feeling like I'm missing out by not having a daughter (not that I can choose anyway!) or what my problem is. I should be satisfied---more than satisfied, with my two perfect sons. And it would be so much easier to just be done with babies! My baby will be two whole years old next month. I have more freedom now than I've had in a long time. Why would I want to give that up? We quite literally cannot afford another child right now. Nor do we have room in our house. I just can't imagine why I can't let this go. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteaw, i'm currently teaching mommy & me type classes to kids from 3 mo.-3 yrs. and the under 1 year babies are definitely my favorite out of these ages. but i have to say, teaching kindergarten has by far been the most fun {out of all the elementary, middle, & high school kids i've worked with}. ages 5-6 are just so crazy cool. they LOVE everything in life and are so interested in interacting with you on a whole new level. so you have that to look forward to. :)
ReplyDeletealso, jordan of the blog "oh happy day" put her kids in the closet. you can see a house tour here: http://www.designsponge.com/2011/06/sneak-peek-paul-jordan-ferney.html so you know, worst case scenario.
and one more thing, have you heard about the book "go the f*ck to sleep?" it's awesome and made me think of your post from the other day on needing time away from the kids. you can download the audio version, being read by samuel l. jackson, for free here: http://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B00551W570 it's so great!
oh my gosh, this was so funny. i love you so much. we're apartment hunting and part of me is like, let's just get a one bedroom apartment, right? it's okay, we can sleep in the living room, it's all good. but...i think it's technically illegal to have 3 people in a 1br bc of fire codes??
ReplyDeletemaybe you should become a postpartum doula (especially with your experiences postpartum and your choice to medicate). then you could snuggle everyone elses babies :) it works. sometimes.
I'm an older mom, the youngest just graduated from HS today. When I had my second daughter my friends were celebrating the birth of their grandchildren or sending their babies off to college.
ReplyDeleteMore than once, through the pregnancy, which by the way was one of the easiest ones, I thought, OMG, dear lord just let me be able to attend her graduation without a wheelchair or cane.
Today I succeeded in doing just that.
I haven't aged graciously, and I am sure that my dear sweet eighteen year old wished at times, I had been a younger mom.
She however also knew that there was little I wouldn't do or try, and for that I think she was proud I was her mom.
I'm offering up a little unsolicited advice. If another baby is to be in your cards, things always have a way of working out. We adjust, we shift our priorities and we love the last as fiercely as the first. Your youngest is still a "baby" in my eyes.
My wise mother once said that there was always room for one more at her table. So if it were to happen unplanned for you and your husband, you just embrace the fact, know that you both have enough love to go around. Things just have a way of working out when you have enough love.
Farren, I totally want grandkids, but I want them to come about without my daughters ever having sex! Too scary!
ReplyDeletekimbirdy, oh my GOSH. That closet is awesome. This it totally what I was picturing. You're so right. If I did happen to be pregnant, which i'm not, we would find a way to fit everybody in, and we'd all love each other and it would be perfect.
ReplyDeleteKaws, I always appreciate your comments so much. I'm so used to hearing about everybody's kids being preschool aged. I love getting your perspective. Congrats to your youngest, by the way!
ReplyDeleteI think you're totally right. If another baby happened, we would find a way!