I've been in one of those moods where I feel like...
If I have to hear one more baby cry.
If I have to wake up one more time in the night to put the blanket back on Scouty's bed.
If I have to watch one more kid's movie.
If I have to wipe one more meal of pureed sweet potatoes off of my clothing.
If I have to scrub one more smudge of baby barf from the carpet.
If I have to bend over to buckle one more car seat.
If I have to wrestle two slippery little eels through one more bath.
If I have to pick up one more squashed and dripping juicebox from the floor of the car.
If I have to talk in my Muno voice one more time.
I think I might actually lose my mind.
After my girls are in bed, if I turn on the tv and there's Dora's face staring at me, and oh god, the map is about to sing his song... I seriously scramble for the remote, a brick to throw, ANYTHING to keep from having to be subjected to ONE MORE SECOND of colorful kid world.
I get in these moods, but I think I probably need to cool it. I think it's probably not actually the fault of Nick Jr. that I feel this way. I need to recognize that this feeling is about me, and that's it. It doesn't actually have anything to do with my kids and their world.
The fact of the matter is, I'm a good mom. I'm a great mom, actually. I go all out. I sing entire songs alternating between all of the Gabba Gang's voices, and I do this for hours on end. I don't have days where I lay on the couch watching Dr. Phil, and trying to get my kids to play the Bring Mommy The Remote Game. I find it decidedly stressful to try to live an adult life while my children are awake and depending on me. I completely consider it my duty and privilege to read the same children's book one thousand times per week. I do. I wouldn't parent any other way.
However.
Because I am a grown person. I'm even an aggressive grown person with defined interests and a highly developed sense of needing to stimulate and enjoy myself. (Not in a perverted way. I kind of lost interest in THAT half way through my pregnancy with #2, and it hasn't shown any hints of returning.) The simple truth is that I need time alone or I will turn into a mean wife who blames you for losing the headphones to my iPod and who sighs and turns all night long because you're hogging too much of my mattress space.
I love my girls and I love my husband, but I just can't be one of them all the time. I need to have thoughts that originate in my own head. I need to read adult books and write adult stories and be alone. How many years of parenting went by before I felt comfortable with the notion that sometimes I just need to not be mommy? And that it's okay?
So, before I start cursing the existence of Wow Wow Wubzy and Legos, I am going to forcefully and with purpose remove myself from my family for the evening as soon as my husband walks in the door. And I'm not doing any dishes before I go.
Because I know that it's my fault that I feel like everything else is driving me crazy. I know that there is going to be a time where I would give anything to have Louise clinging to me like I'm the only thing in the world who could possibly make her happy. I know that, in a few years, Scouty will be so grown that she wouldn't even consider asking me to play spy robots with her, and that will feel shitty. Because all of these kid things are magic. And they're so temporary. And if I'm walking around in a bad mood acting like they aren't, it's nobody's business but my own.
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I can so relate to this post - as with most of yours. I truly love reading your blog and have a great blog myself only it exists in my head because I didn't think anyone would read it. I have a 6 yr old girl, a 3 yr old girl and a 5 month old boy. I wake up in that mood sometimes and everything everyone does just makes it worse. I even caught myself trying to guilt my 6 yr old into something the way my mom did me. I don't take enough breaks - I try to always make everything easier on everyone else when I need to make things easier on myself. You are an awesome mom and an awesome writer and I thank you for letting me share!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the world of mommy !!!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to need a little me time, important in fact or you forget who me is...or was.
We become better a better parent when we get that breath of air, that time of solitude, when we go out for a lunch and don't have to ask for crayons or cut our food up in toddler bites.
One of my favorite birthday gifts was a day to myself. I fed my girls breakfast, and their father took them out on a day long adventure. I sat in the yard, had an ice tea, and read an actual adult book.
I took a shower at my leisure, and by the time they returned home from their day, I was ready and eager to resume my role as mommy.
It is so important for the major caregiver to get a little "me" time. It might be why I am such a night owl. I love when everyone is sleeping, even the pets, the tv is on low, and I can read, write, or just gaze at the images on the box, never changing channels. It's my little daily getaway.
I'll let you know when the last one leaves the nest this fall to head off to college, whether I still love the nights, or the time alone. I think I will, though I won't need them as much. We will see. We will see.
You are such a good person Amanda. And an amazing mom. I hope you can get some R and R and a little me time.
ReplyDeletexo,
melissa
Ooh, I am just totally loving this post. So, you are human, after all? Just kidding--but really, great post. Relate-able all the way.
ReplyDeleteit's all good. i mean, you are a complex person who is made up of all sorts of things. one very big thing is being a mother, but you are additional things as well. i think these moods can be helpful to tell you that certain other pieces of yourself are needing attention too. it sounds kind of funny, but our inner child needs our parenting as well as our actual flesh and blood kids. if you aren't nurturing your own inner child, than things can shift off balance for you, which feels really stressful. it's definitely hard to maintain time for each family member, for you and your hubby as a couple, and your own alone time, that is for sure. i hope you can find some good ways to have that alone time and recover, so you can be ready to go when those kiddos are awake.
ReplyDeleteUm...yes, yes, yes and yes. I can so relate!
ReplyDeleteI think this is the ONE thing that differs between me as a sort-of-single parent and married parents. i can't just peace out when my husband/partner gets home. now, i can call clay and beg him to come over and take grace to the park, and once we live together, i can run away when he gets home, but the fact is, i'm not at home with grace all day anymore. we're in school, or work, and come fall we'll really be in school for the 4 days a week (mon-thurs) that she's here (she's been home on sundays too though). i do get weekends to escape/work/etc. and sometimes i get so wrapped up in that solitude that when she comes home, she is like a stranger. the split makes us that way, i suppose, because she carries the influence of both myself and her dad, and he and i aren't always collaborating on that, you know? like, we've evolved into distanced people. i'm getting off subject here, though. it's weird...some days i'm like NO. MORE. KID. STUFF. and other days, i'm playing her kimya dawson alphabutt cd (do you know about this??) in the car when she's not there.
ReplyDeletei'm glad you talk about this stuff, though. it's REALLY important. i carry it like a tool in postpartum care. even when your babe is three days old, it's okay to need to leave the room.
love you.
Chelsea that is to interesting and true. I write SO much from the perspective of a stay at home, partnered mom. Do you feel like our experiences are very different, in general? I have a friend who is a divorced mama and sometimes I definitely think she feels alienated when we're hanging out with other married/stay at home moms. It's SO not intentional, but I think that sometimes I definitely do forget that my experience with motherhood isn't the ONLY experience with motherhood.
ReplyDeleteWe're always going on about how important it is to talk about being a mom, but we need more emphasis on talking about what it's like to be a mama other than the one we always hear about. Mostly, there are millions of things that we feel the same about, but there are a lot of differences, too.
And, totally. The sooner a mom understands that it's not a crime to need time away from her baby, the healthier they both become. The guilt is awful and so unnecessary.
I love you and Grace. Thank you for your view on the world.
I feel the gap when I hang out with my married friends - if it's not the fact that I can't entirely relate, it's that they don't understand that I can't do what they can (ie: leave when hubby gets home, or take an extra day off work), not to mention the pressure to find a partner so that i can "get on with my life and have more babies" or something, which in itself doesn't work because partner does not equal the same type of family that people like you, or my friends, come from in which both parents of the child(ren) are present and together.. like, clay will have a parental role, but he's not as responsible for her as james is.
ReplyDeletethat said, we have a lot of shared experiences, and while most of those are parenting related, we'd probably have shared experiences outside of that too, hence the need to be recognized as person and not just mom, you know?
like this morning i was so fed up - grace woke up at what, 9? and all i've heard for the last two hours straight is "i need. i want. i need. i haven't had...i need...give me.." and finally i said "I JUST WANT TO MAKE BREAKFAST. I MADE YOU BREAKFAST, AND NOW I AM MAKING MINE." and then i took a shower and wanted to stay in there forever. and now she's headbutting my leg and whining again. i am not okay with this...but, this isn't just a single parent problem, you know?
so, have you heard of the alphabutt album? if you haven't, i'm mailing you a copy.
Chelsea, I so totally get you. That's such a good point that people have all kinds of things they can relate to and things they can't in all of life's experience, not just in parenting.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what the alphabutt album is, but I'm sure we need a copy!