The world is enormous. It's big and bad and mean, and I birthed the world's most heartrendingly innocent creatures and set them down right in the middle of all of it.
I'll be jogging on the treadmill at the gym and all of a sudden I'll say to myself, Stop running. Stop moving. Stop breathing. Your girls are going to be with you for the rest of your life. There are going to be so many scary moments and sad moments and hard things to get through. There are going to be broken hearts, (theirs, for sure, but mostly yours as they grow.) There are going to be fights. Long nights when they're late coming home. They are going to hate you, even if it's only for a moment here and there. They are going to leave you, too. There will be college and dates and mean girls. There will be times where they feel ugly and worthless and compare themselves against an impossible standard. There are going to be many times where they try at something and fail.
All of this is more than I can stand.
I am one of those moms. One of those moms, I mean. A little boy pushes Scouty during a soccer game and she falls down and all of a sudden my head is spinning with wildness and I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to stay in my seat. I can't see how it's possible that I won't run out onto the gym floor and start bringing the smack down on a tiny little four year old boy with those adorable strap on glasses, because he knocked my girl down.
But, of course I do manage to control myself, but only after whispering to Kurt, "Did you see that? That little stinker boy just pushed Scouty!"
He shushes me and kind of rolls his eyes, and I see that he's not quite sure about me. Kids push other kids, and that's just the way things are, but I'm telling you. I can barely take it. It's almost too much for me to bear.
How am I going to take it the first time one of my daughters gets rejected? Or betrayed? How I am going to hand them the keys to our car and not completely lose my mind, someday? How is it possible that I'll send them to high school with high school boys given what I remember about them, and see of them now around the edges of the playground?
This world is no place for the world's most beautiful and sparkling diamonds, is it?
But then, I also get that this world needs two forces of beauty. Maybe my girls will be able to weather their young lives better than I did because they'll be loved and cared for and bolstered by two energetically supportive and obsessed with loving them, parents. Maybe they won't judge themselves unfairly after a lifetime of being propped up in the sun. Maybe all of the bad things about the world don't even compare one tiny bit to the goodness.
Even driving around in dangerous cars with dangerous boys, when it's new and exciting and you can taste the freedom in the air. I remember that, don't I? And wasn't it all mostly sweet and wonderful and important, even if it was sure to kill me? Even if one unkind word from those boys could have ended my life as I knew it?
I guess the point of all of this is that I am not emotionally mature enough to handle having daughters. I am not prepared mentally for anything bad to happen to them, ever.
I think there's a certain kindness in the way our children evolve, and we change with them. At first, there's the disappointment of falling on their little diapered butts and of having pebbles scooped out of their mouths when they tasted so interesting. Then the crushing meanness that happens when another kid steals the toy right out of your hands! Then you start getting pushed on the soccer field and eventually you make an ass of yourself playing kickball during recess, or something. Pretty soon your friend is ditching you for somebody richer, and you have your first crush on a boy.
By the time things like danger and cars and sexiness and the desire for autonomy enter our children's lives, we've had plenty of practice keeping our shit together for the small things. The more times I restrain myself from choking the little stinky pusher boy at soccer practice, the better I'll be when some sticky fingered, long haired teenager dumps one of my girls because he is obviously the world's biggest idiot.
Right?
Please tell me I'm right about this.
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I sure hope you are right, because I fear the same things with my little ones, even though they are boys (I often think I'm lucky for having boys, because if I worry this much about them, how would I ever handle having a daughter?) I also have the same wildness running through my head when one of them is treated unjustly at the playground or at daycare! I maintain my composure, of course, unless the offending kid is quite a bit older...
ReplyDelete:) :) You've gone and ranted the words in my heart! I know all of this. It is relieving to know that they'll be all that we've taught them to be--and with moms like us, they'll be just fine. ;)
ReplyDeletei think learning to hold children with an open hand, to let go and allow them to experience the world completely {broken hearts, broken bones, and all}, is right up there at the very top of life's hardest lessons. it's hard. really effing hard. i don't have children of my own, but i have 6 nieces and nephews, the oldest of which just turned 18 and graduated high school. my heart ached for him as he grew and faced challenges at each stage of life, which were especially awful, even traumatic. it was rough to just stand by and watch it happen. but he survived, as most of us do. i think he's happy now, as happy as an 18 year old can be, and i hope that he continues on his path of growing and learning. i hope my love will remind him of how awesome he is, even when he doesn't feel it, and can rely on my confidence in him to do great things even when he feels unsure. i know i had adults in my life who did that for me, even if in indirect ways. and your girls are lucky to definitely have that in you.
ReplyDeleteThis totally spoke to my heart. My baby is barely a year and the tiniest things break my heart. She's a waver, and when she waves desperately to someone and they don't return it, I want to cry. I know, it's this tiny little thing, but the idea that anyone not return her outpouring of love and joy is the saddest thing the world to me. I'm glad there are other moms out there to cry over the things they'll never remember. Our kids are going to be the sunshine the world needs.
ReplyDeleteI think your girls, and all the other children your posters have will be just fine.
ReplyDeleteStrong, smart women, raise great, self sufficient kids, who will face the world not with a whimper but a roar.
There will be rocks in their path sometimes, but that is what makes them strong and smart.
We all want to smack the jerky boyfriend or the girlfriend who dumps them for another.
That's just being a mom.
Love,and letting them know that we will always be there if they need to talk or cry, or need to make a decision.
We won't judge but they will always have our ear.
Moms aren't always perfect, kids are either, we all just try to do our best.
By the way, love the last little photo at the end.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I always say that, but I so totally mean it. I think that you're right... that our kids don't suddenly get old, and they don't grow in a vacuum. It's scary to think of them being grown, but at the same time, we can totally do millions of things to influence the ways they feel about themselves and consequently the choices they make. It's almost reassuring to think about. hehe, almost!
ReplyDelete