The world is enormous. It's big and bad and mean, and I birthed the world's most heartrendingly innocent creatures and set them down right in the middle of all of it.
I'll be jogging on the treadmill at the gym and all of a sudden I'll say to myself, Stop running. Stop moving. Stop breathing. Your girls are going to be with you for the rest of your life. There are going to be so many scary moments and sad moments and hard things to get through. There are going to be broken hearts, (theirs, for sure, but mostly yours as they grow.) There are going to be fights. Long nights when they're late coming home. They are going to hate you, even if it's only for a moment here and there. They are going to leave you, too. There will be college and dates and mean girls. There will be times where they feel ugly and worthless and compare themselves against an impossible standard. There are going to be many times where they try at something and fail.
All of this is more than I can stand.
I am one of those moms. One of those moms, I mean. A little boy pushes Scouty during a soccer game and she falls down and all of a sudden my head is spinning with wildness and I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to stay in my seat. I can't see how it's possible that I won't run out onto the gym floor and start bringing the smack down on a tiny little four year old boy with those adorable strap on glasses, because he knocked my girl down.
But, of course I do manage to control myself, but only after whispering to Kurt, "Did you see that? That little stinker boy just pushed Scouty!"
He shushes me and kind of rolls his eyes, and I see that he's not quite sure about me. Kids push other kids, and that's just the way things are, but I'm telling you. I can barely take it. It's almost too much for me to bear.
How am I going to take it the first time one of my daughters gets rejected? Or betrayed? How I am going to hand them the keys to our car and not completely lose my mind, someday? How is it possible that I'll send them to high school with high school boys given what I remember about them, and see of them now around the edges of the playground?
This world is no place for the world's most beautiful and sparkling diamonds, is it?
But then, I also get that this world needs two forces of beauty. Maybe my girls will be able to weather their young lives better than I did because they'll be loved and cared for and bolstered by two energetically supportive and obsessed with loving them, parents. Maybe they won't judge themselves unfairly after a lifetime of being propped up in the sun. Maybe all of the bad things about the world don't even compare one tiny bit to the goodness.
Even driving around in dangerous cars with dangerous boys, when it's new and exciting and you can taste the freedom in the air. I remember that, don't I? And wasn't it all mostly sweet and wonderful and important, even if it was sure to kill me? Even if one unkind word from those boys could have ended my life as I knew it?
I guess the point of all of this is that I am not emotionally mature enough to handle having daughters. I am not prepared mentally for anything bad to happen to them, ever.
I think there's a certain kindness in the way our children evolve, and we change with them. At first, there's the disappointment of falling on their little diapered butts and of having pebbles scooped out of their mouths when they tasted so interesting. Then the crushing meanness that happens when another kid steals the toy right out of your hands! Then you start getting pushed on the soccer field and eventually you make an ass of yourself playing kickball during recess, or something. Pretty soon your friend is ditching you for somebody richer, and you have your first crush on a boy.
By the time things like danger and cars and sexiness and the desire for autonomy enter our children's lives, we've had plenty of practice keeping our shit together for the small things. The more times I restrain myself from choking the little stinky pusher boy at soccer practice, the better I'll be when some sticky fingered, long haired teenager dumps one of my girls because he is obviously the world's biggest idiot.
Please tell me I'm right about this.