Can I complain for a minute?
I'm feel uninspired in the mommy/housewifey arena. Sometimes it feels like I'm surrounded by women who love wine and girl's nights and nap time and who consider shopping for high heels to be some kind of emotional therapy.
Don't get me wrong, I long for nap time, but really? I long for my girls more. I need time for myself, but I need them more. I need them to be happy, and it's hard work and I'm tired and I'm lost, but not so lost that I'm about to jump on the DON'T YOU LOVE WINE AND SHOES bandwagon?
It's just that lots of times I don't feel relevant, but really, I'm only unpopular. It's not that every woman in the world wants to clean their kitchen floor in heels AND LOOK FABULOUS DOING IT! It's not that every mommy in the world wants wine more than they want to have their children. It's not that every woman who writes, writes about slipping up and eating a cookie and how she needs to get control or else she might GAIN FIVE POUNDS, oh no!
I know that you are all out there, I do. Sometimes, I just get discouraged. I feel like I'd be better off if I took Zumba class and checked out men in their twenties wearing jeans, or whatever. I feel like every turn I take, there is another woman wiping her hands clean of men and shopping for expensive pajamas to wear while eating cookie dough in front of the tv, because that's what we empowered women do! You might look at us and think we're all shaven and impeccably eyelined, but behind closed doors we're actually, naughty... cue the wine and Sex In The City, or whatever it is that women are watching now and pretending it's in line with feminism or maintaining any sort of integrity or pride.
The truth is, I'm not clean and manicured. I don't think that having a glass of wine makes you a rebel or free. I don't wait all day for nap time, or rather, I do... but it's only because I've exhausted myself trying to teach my children something new about themselves and the world.
And sometimes I feel like a BIG FAKE because I look at dance moms and wine moms and business moms and make up moms and DON'T YOU LOVE SHOES moms and think that they have it kind of easy. Wouldn't I be easier to sell if I wrote a book about how to walk away from a divorce wearing fabulous heels? Wouldn't it be easier to wake up in the morning if I was already looking forward to nap time and eventually wine time, while giggling to myself over how deliciously terrible I was.
Because that's what womanhood is about, right?
Coasting through everything that might make you work hard at being human, so that you can get to GIRL TIME! Sorry husbands, you'll have to open your own beer tonight because the girls and I are going out for wine and dancing!
Why don't we understand that behaving this way just confirms that we've been effectively marginalized? That somebody realized that women were demanding domestic freedom, but that they hadn't figured anything out about human freedom... so just toss some fashion magazines and shoes at them and make them think they're exercising their girl power by refusing to bake bread or own a jello mold and let them keep themselves busy babbling over there, WHERE NOBODY ELSE CARES WHAT THEY'RE SAYING BECAUSE TALKING ABOUT SHOPPING AND BREAK UPS AND WINE IS FUCKING STUPID.
So, that's how I've been feeling, lately. Maybe you've noticed that I've been a little withdrawn from the Online Mommy world, and that's why. I sort of feel like if I have to read one more piece written by a woman talking about WINE or SHOES or HOW ANNOYING THEIR KIDS ARE, I might totally fucking lose it.
But, really... you are smart people. I'm always amazed by the insight you provide and the ways you articulate yourselves as people. So, let's talk. I need to get my relevance back. What's on your mind?
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Those moms are no fun. :)
ReplyDeletewell i'm not a mom, nor do i have a spare $1 to splurge on a soda, let alone the extra cash to buy purses, shoes, or wine {$4 wines at trader joe's? that's a little pricey don't you think? :) }, but i do experience the different attitudes that women put out there about what it means to be women. some are overly concerned about the right makeup, even when they're face looks exactly the same as someone with drugstore makeup. some are overly concerned about staying home and being the good stay-at-home mom/wife, even if deep down they long for a career. the thing is, we all define what a woman SHOULD be based on our own upbringings, our inner compass, our ideals {be they realistic or not}, and our insecurities. i never want to be the sort of woman who cares about shopping and the latest fashions, and i never ever want to be a mom or wife, but that's just me. i know women who are absolutely genuinely happy in both of those roles and all sorts of roles in between. i consider myself to be a die hard feminist, which for me means that i believe the only "should" a women should have is the choice to choose her role for herself. i think the problem only comes when women try to promote their own way of being a woman to others, or when we allow our own insecurities to creep in when we see other women living out their chosen roles {which is often the reason we then try to promote our own ways}. are all women truly happy with the role they've chosen? absolutely not. are they always great role models? nope, not always. but in the end, that's their choice, and any children they have will be faced with the same choice as they grow up and find their identity. it's all a part of the great journey of life.
ReplyDeleteI don't drink (long story) and I can't wear pretty shoes cuz I need orthotics. So I'm not a LOVE WINE AND SHOES mum. As a matter of fact, I'm more of a "wears grubbies all day so that the kids and I can play with paint, slime, gloop and playdough at every opportunity" kind of mum. ;) As a matter of fact, a few friends of mine recently had to send me some makeup because I have none and hubby is taking me to a conference in a couple of weeks! ;)
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking that someday, when my kids grow up, then I can decide what I want to be when I grow up. For now, though, I'm pretty much a mommy. I miss having an identity that was more than that, sometimes, especially when I'm around people who think that my identity SHOULD be more than that. But mainly I'm pretty okay with just being a mom. I think that's my version of feminism: doing what I think is right for me, because that's what I want. And sometimes it changes a little. But usually for me, being a feminist means doing what I want to do. And, for now, that means being their mom at home, a little broker and a little crazier but pretty damn happy. Also, you are a good baker and you do look good. Just not traditional. That's why people like you. You might be popular, after all. Scary! :)
ReplyDeleteI do like shoes (but only cheap ones cuz I'm always broke) and I do like the occasional humorous blog about how annoying my kids are, but I do NOT understand the "Girl's Night" culture that we live in. I get that we need time away from our kids, but if I have to see one more Facebook picture of 4 or more grown-ass women toasting their drinks with the caption "Girl's Night" I might stab myself in the eye. Really? Sometimes it feels like I'm like the only mom I know who is not out partying all the time...glad to hear there is another!!!
ReplyDeletethe only term that annoys me more than "girls night" is "man cave". wth?
ReplyDeletePart of me says to each their own. If I don't like it, I can tune out.
The other part of me is annoyed by these women who seem to be attempting to reclaim their youth.
We all need our escapes and indulgences. I have no doubt these women love their children just as much as I love mine. But, I wonder if their kids feel valued and appreciated when Mommy is always off at a girls night or mani/pedi or whatever.
Thank you for these comments! I like shoes and going out for dinner with a friend or whatever, but it's not something I feel the need to proclaim about myself because I'm a girl and we girls just love SHOPPING FOR SHOES! You know? I don't care what people do. I do care about women behaving in ways that don't have anything to do with being autonomous, smart and capable. We act like, cooking and cleaning was marginalizing and we hated it, so now, we'll talk about how much we hate cleaning... but replace it with something equally as mindless and marginalizing and pretend like we've achieved some sort of freedom. I don't care about liking shoes. I care about the shoes, shopping, girl's night culture and how stupid it makes us.
ReplyDeleteI get that you don't have a lot in common with "mainstream moms". I think most readers of your blog can commiserate, but I sure get tired of the "mommy wars" and knocking down women for wanting to do something besides watch their children. I think it's really refreshing when women can admit that they need a break, look forward to a break, want some time to themselves, whatever. Maybe it's shoes shopping, maybe it's exercising, maybe it's going to see a band, maybe it's (gasp!) getting a job. Implying that women want wine more than their children? C'mon, lady....
ReplyDeleteNaomi, I started to reply to you, but I got so long winded that I just wrote a post in response to your comment. I hope that you feel that I've done your questions and points of view justice, and I totally look forward to hearing your thoughts!
ReplyDelete