She was awake before Louise this morning and we sat on the couch together snuggling and laughing and saying, "First day of school! First day of school!" just like Nemo and his dad.
I remember her first day of school ever.
I remember how I broke down crying the night before while I packed her lunch. I walked into the living room where Kurt was watching sports and announced, "I need a hug."
She was nervous in the morning. I remember how uneasy she looked as I said goodbye, but she stayed brave and tucked her little lip back in and waved as I backed out of the classroom, fighting back tears. I was 37 weeks pregnant with Louise; Scouty wasn't even a big sister, yet. She was my tiny baby and how much I loved her was bigger than the reach of the sun.
The two and a half hours that made up her first day were the most agonizing of my life. Kurt rushed into town on his lunch break so that we could both be there to pick her up at the end of the day. We stood, holding hands, anxious and arriving thirty minutes early. We paced and checked the clock. I felt mildly amputated, like a part of me had been severed and I was dying without her.
I can see it so clearly in my memory. We walked into the room and all of the kids were playing and running around with toys and there was my little Bee, sitting quietly at the table by herself, eating her lunch. It was so hard not to run to her and fall down at her feet. She was so wonderful and perfect. She smiled and told us that she wasn't done eating yet, that she didn't want to leave until her lunch was gone.
Ever since that day, she has expanded my love for the world through her experiences at school. She has made me to understand how much people want something to love, how they're not unkind, not really. Just by being her, she has helped more love to exist in the world. She inspires people to want to be kind and mild. I am so proud of everything she has accomplished in one year and two summers.
When I meet with her teachers for a parents only conference and they say, "Scout can come to the meeting with you. There isn't anything we have to say that she shouldn't hear." When they tell me how she's a friend to everyone, how she's a diplomat and tries so hard to put the needs of her friends ahead of her own, I feel like I might just die from all the pride inside my heart, swelling and growing inside of me until I'm full and fragile like a balloon.
Today is the first day of another year of school and I'm not nervous. I didn't cry packing lunches and sister and daddy and I won't be waiting outside of the closed classroom door a half hour early. I have learned and grown a lot too. I understand that I've done my best to make my girl prepared for the world and that I don't have to worry about anything else. I've loved her the most out of all the loves in the world. She's living that love and because of her, I don't have to worry about what will come next.
Although, I lied about not crying this year. As I looked at these pictures from her first day of school ever...
Compared with pictures from today...
I won't lie. I totally got a little teary.