It's late evening. I just put the girls to bed. Kurt is away at a funeral.
I've started a few pieces of writing, but they're just not happening. I'm not feeling inspired. How I am feeling is achy and fat.
I've gained weight over the past few months.
I'm finding it hard to focus on everything right now. I constantly feel like I am being pulled in a lot of different directions, barely any of them actually sanctioned by me. Both of my children are going through a time in their lives where they need me A LOT, in different ways. Every single quiet moment I have, I use it to write or read.
I've stopped getting up at 6am to go to the gym. I was taking the girls to the gym playroom in the afternoons which was AMAZING... but then Louise decided that she suddenly hated it in the playroom and started throwing a fit as soon as I leave, and 5 minutes into my workout they page me to retrieve my drooling, screaming baby.
I've also started eating stuff all day. Have we talked before about how much I like baking? And fancy coffee drinks? And that a Trader Joe's opened up in my neighborhood?
I feel like I've just given up on myself. Well, not on all of myself, just the physical part. I structure everything about my appearance to be low maintenance. I mean, so low that I could get away with not showering for more than a day if I have to. I have no time or energy to care for myself. I'm in a demographic of people who just can't focus on appearance. We're too busy KEEPING CHILDREN ALIVE to put on make up. At least that's the way it feels.
I've also been feeling anxious, lately. We've been going through some medical things that have me up at night. (Don't worry. Everybody is fine.) But, my nerves are raw. I haven't been sleeping well.
All of this is exacerbated by the fact that I've been eating too much, eating sugar and not getting enough exercise.
The truth in all of this is... I've been feeling pretty miserable and bad and just kind of blah in general. I've kind of been living in an oversized boy hoody that used to belong to my brother in law. I've gained 15 pounds. I don't want to lose 15 pounds, though. I want to lose about fifty pounds. Fifty nine, to be exact.
Fifty nine is a lot.
I hate focusing on weight loss. I hate counting calories and logging fitness minutes and thinking about food in terms of it's mathematical breakdown. (Yogurt is yogurt, people. Stop calling it a "protein".)
I hate how getting healthy should be a totally organic and honest kind of thing where you eat when you're hungry and you move around a lot because you're a person and that's what we're meant to do... but instead, everybody feels like if they want to lose weight, they better sign up for a dieting website and buy a bunch of rice cakes, or whatever.
Being anal and overly organized and restrictive about things doesn't work for me.
I need to do this, though. I need to be serious about it and show up to my beautiful friend's wedding in August as a totally refreshed, youthful, vitalized, healthy, slim looking bridesmaid.
Lately, I've been feeling the opposite. I don't want to feel old and sore and tired. I don't want to eat up all the Jo-Jos and blame Kurt. I want to just be in control of myself. I want to feel like at least ONE of the directions I'm being pulled in is a path I'm actually choosing. I don't want my body and my appearance and my energy level to be a casualty of being a busy mom. I want to be, I don't know... springy and full of life. I want to make a little gun with my fingers and say kapow at myself in the mirror after I get dressed in the morning. I want my neck to not seem too thick for dainty jewelry. I want to not feel like a bulky nerd with a mohawk. I want to feel like those stupid posters of a silhouette of a person wearing biking shorts on a mountain top.
So...
Is it okay if I talk about food and exercise and my weight sometimes? Or is that like... totally boring to you? (Don't fool yourself into thinking your answer to this question actually matters. It's like when I ask my husband which color of paint he likes better for the bathroom, and then I pick dazzling lime green anyway.)
I'm thinking that I'll do an update once a week, on Sunday, about my progress. Next week I'll show you the dress in my closet that I want to fit into.
I have 38 weeks to lose 59 pounds. (I'm using my friend's wedding as a goal date.)
Wish me luck, or commiserate with me or give me tips or something.
I am right there with you. I had a baby 11 weeks ago, and while everyone around me reminds me that "it takes time" and that I have to take small steps, I just can not wait to feel like myself again, which includes being stronger, slimmer, healthier, happier and more balanced. The word "lopsided" applies to not only my waistline, but the mom-wife-work-home balance, my diet and everything else. I am SO there, and ready to move! Good luck to you on your efforts to get back into shape! I'm cheering right along.
ReplyDeleteAmanda,
ReplyDeleteThis one line was exactly what I feel right now:
"I want to just be in control of myself."
I feel constantly out of control... and it just makes me tired.
So, please... talk about it. I need to know someone else is where I am. It almost brings me to tears thinking how often I think "soon, I'll be healthier," and feeling like every time I make a good decision, it's erased by another one. I was at a weight I was relatively happy with after I had my little. I pumped exclusively for 11 months for her, and the only upside to that hellish ordeal was that I lost more weight than I had put on. And then, I had to stop, and so I wasn't burning a gazillion calories and here I am... right back where I started and pretty miserable.
Okay... my apologies for the diatribe, I must be stressed about this or something ;-). So, if you skipped the rest of my blathering, I'm right behind you, trying to pick up my feet and feel a little healthier in the next year.
Weight sucks. I'm trying to gain, and it seems to suck just as much as trying to lose. Good luck with your journey. Can I say, though, that 59 lbs in 38 weeks seems huge? I'm sure you're doing what's best for yourself, but I know it can be dangerous to lose a lot in a little space of time. Anyway, write away!
ReplyDeleteI kid you not, I have been so miserable about this today. I weigh about as much as I weighed 2/3 into my pregnancies and am not, by any means, pregnant again. I feel awful about myself but am finding it so hard to actually do what I need to do. I hope to get some inspiration rubbing off from yours, as I've got about 20 I want to get rid of as soon as I can convince myself I'm worthwhile enough to do so. (That's totally the issue, too: I put my needs secondary to absolutely everything else that needs to be tended to. And I, like you, LOVE to bake. People like us should just open a bakery.) Good luck! Can't wait to hear how you're coming along!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the goal! I sympathize completely; the few design jobs I've had this fall have kept me from the gym and wallowing in a diet I'd rather not enjoy. I honestly can't wait for these shows to open so I can have some free time (aka, be unemployed) and spend some time focusing on me and my needs for a change. Hope things move in the right direction for you...
ReplyDeletemmm. i don't mind if you talk about those things at all. especially because it's from a self-care rather than self-destructive mind. i adore you. and the part where you just want SOMETHING for yourself? something that is yours to control, something going in a direction you have say in...YES. yes. i yelled at clay yesterday because i was just...spent. i know. and i think we need these little pets, these little trees to prune and water, so that we can be stabilized. and hey, send your 59 lbs over here. for real. i'm at a point where i can barely lift grace because she's 46 pounds and i'm all of 119 with clothes on - what am i going to do when she's 5? crumble to the ground? she's always saying "mom, daddy is so much stronger than you." thanks kid, don't get me started on what he CAN'T do...like push a baby out of his vaj. :)
ReplyDeletechildcare at a gym is STRESSFUL. i've never used it, but that's exactly my thought about childcare where they can page you - what's the point? they have it at ikea, too, and i made it like....a third of the way through the store before i got paged and my beeper was going off for the 20 minutes it took me to find my way through the maze back to the play area, and it was simply because she didn't want to be in there anymore. REALLY?! you should find a sitter to hang with your kids, maybe, someone who can come to your house. or get a dvd and do it at home. remember, it won't be like this forever. someday they will be totally grown up and they won't throw fits (or at least, they can throw a fit in their room without us worrying, until they become teenagers and then worry starts over...).
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
let yourself eat. really. make little healthy snacks that you won't feel guilty about eating. it's better to eat in tiny bits anyway, you know? think of it as a positive thing.
I would love for you to be open about this as well. I am currently working on dropping some extra weight as well but it seems to be a struggle.
ReplyDeleteI want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to set a great example for my kidlets.
I think I am still in the mindset that katidyd talks about . . . not feeling worthy to focusing on myself.
Good luck and know that I am cheering you on and hopefully moving forward right along side of you.
Jenn
Thank you for sharing this article. It is honest and inspiring that you can put yourself our there. I struggle with weight gain and then weight loss as well and this post just gave me that tinge of motivation. This is why I read blogs - it provides a sense of online community. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteUm, I think you may have posted on the wrong blog.
ReplyDeleteDidn't I mean to post those very same thoughts, that very same post? I have about the same amount of weight to lose and although I want to lose it - I have been lacking in motivation (and making up for that through baking).
Love your blog - following you now from NaBloPoMo.
I am with you, too. We met at BlogHer and I'd like to stay in touch. I just moved to Minnesota from Southern California and am worried about my weight (and my sanity). I need to lose 35 pounds, so I can certainly relate. It is so hard with little kids (my daughter is in college now, but I remember those days). Hang in there and I am interested in starting a small network of people who want/need to lose weight -- it might help to have a group? Stay in touch, my dear!!
ReplyDeleteJulie - Yes! I just want to feel like myself. Like I am actually living my own life and not putting ALL of my energy and focus into keeping my kids healthy. I'm so glad you commented and let me know that you're feeling the same!
ReplyDeleteAlzbeta - That is exactly how I feel about everything that actually pertains to me. I have to keep a strangle hold on our schedule and everybody's else's habits and safety and health. For me, I just kind of chase around after everybody else's happiness and I have no handle at all on my own. I just need to get a grip. Not even a tight one. I just want to feel like I'm considering myself.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I've read about your efforts to gain and it sounds so frustrating, too. I think it's definitely coming from the same kind of place where we're just kind of lost in the shuffle of keeping everybody's lives together. It was the easiest thing to just forget about our own wants and needs.
ReplyDeleteBTW - Did you see your feature on Five Star Friday? I nominated your piece because it totally blew me away.
Kati - Me too! Right after I had Louise, I lost the 15 pounds I'd gained, and now it's all back! Ugh. I remember weighing this much in the middle of my pregnancy and thinking, "It's okay because it will go away after the baby is born." Well, here I am and there's no baby in my belly. I just need to make a real effort to think about myself and what I'm doing and what I need to do to be in control and happy. Thank you for letting me know you understand!
ReplyDeleteobservationalist - I totally understand. Instead of shows, for me, it's my kids and maintaining my writing. The easiest thing has been just to put myself aside and focus on everything that needs to be done. It's time to pick myself up again and put a little work in. I hope you get some down time soon!
ReplyDeleteChelsea - It's really important to me that I frame things that way. You're so smart and right. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't talk and write about wanting to lose weight because I don't want anybody to feel like I'm advocating an idea that people need to be thin to be whole and happy. I don't want to lose weight because I hate myself and think I'm disgusting. I want to be thinner because I love myself and I recognize that gaining this weight has been a symptom that I'm not taking care of me and paying attention to what I want and need for myself.
ReplyDeleteI wish we lived in the same city so we could trade babysitting! Maybe you should move to Pittsburgh?
Fox - Yes! I am so feeling this "
ReplyDeleteI think I am still in the mindset that katidyd talks about . . . not feeling worthy to focusing on myself," too.
Caring for a family makes it hard for me to focus on me. There are so many other things that need to be done. But, I have to realize that it's not like I have to set aside a bunch of time or take energy away from my kids. I just need to slow down and be more mindful of myself and what I need.
I'm so glad you commented to let me know that you'll be trying right along with me!
Rebecca - You're welcome. And thank you so much for letting me know that you can relate. I never dreamed that talking about this would resonate with so many people.
ReplyDeleteHeather - I'm so glad you found me and commented to let me know that you feel the same way! It's time that we give ourselves some attention, slow down and try to be happy and healthy.
ReplyDeleteNancy - I know I already tweeted you, but I would love to participate in a group for people who want to lose weight! I loved getting a chance to hang out with you at Blogher. Sitting around that table and talking with all of the beautiful volunteers was one of my favorite things about the whole conference. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, the struggle to be healthy. I know of what you speak. (Also, the neediness of children. Boy, do I know of what you speak!)
ReplyDeleteI don't have issues with being overweight, thanks to a lot of luck and some good genetics, but I have a lot of bad habits and I know I could be more healthy. It seems that a whole lot is standing in the way of that - mostly Charlie and Simon and well, life. I don't want to blame my problems on my kids, but you know how it is, they do take up a lot of time and energy. At the end of the day, there's not much left.
I like yoga a lot. Have you ever tried that? I'd love to get to the point where I do it every day. It's great for the body and the soul. But er, when is such a thing going to happen?
Anyway, write on. :)
Also, I read this months ago but came across it again just now. Might be something that can help you... (and me).
ReplyDeletehttp://rebekkagudleifs.com/blog/
What an amazing post! I'm coming out of lurking because you've put my current malaise into perfect focus. I completely agree with Chelsea's comment that this isn't about the ridiculous "bikini body" concept and is entirely about how you feel in your own skin.
ReplyDeleteThis summer, I tried a new workout that ended up being no fun and generally demoralizing. It put me in such an exercise avoidance mode that it has taken me 2 months to get up the courage to go back to doing the class at the gym I enjoy.
The other component, that you also state beautifully in your more recent post, is the lure of sleep when the season gets cold. I was choosing to sleep, rather than go to the gym, and then feeling rotten about myself about it. When you have 2 little girls, as you and I both do, a complete night of sleep is very hard to come by.
Sorry for such a long comment. I am just so excited about you working hard to put your own needs near the top of the list, and being a great example of how weight loss is not contrary to the idea of being "healthy at any size" - they can peacefully coexist!
Leslie, I have tried yoga and I totally love it. I was doing it 3 - 4 times per week when I was pregnant with Louise. I've been having a problem with my weights/yoga routine because I feel like I have so little time, I try to pack as much calorie burn as I can into each workout. I've just been doing all cardio with some little bits of strength in the afternoons if I can squeeze it in while I'm with the girls. I would love to take the time to do yoga at least once a week.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I looked at the website and it was totally insspiring. It totally makes sense how she pointed out that people put so much effort and time into mantaining sucess in other areas of their lives, jobs, homes, cars... but then they totally neglect their bodies. If we don't have a body, we certainly don't have any use for a career or a house! Very interesting and true point.
Lynn, I am so glad you decided to come out of lurking. I'm so happy that so many people can relate to the way I'm feeling. It's sad, really. We're all doing our best to make everybody and keep everybody healthy and we just get lost.
ReplyDeleteAnd YES! I have some hesitation talking about weight loss because I don't want anybody to interpret my pov in a way that isn't totally accepting of everybody's choices about their own bodies. I don't give a crap about being like... skinny. I don't care if anybody else is skinny or fat. I just want to feel like I am taking care of myself. When I'm sleeping, eating sugar, gaining weight and skipping workouts, I feel very much like a low priority. I'm not a low priority. I want my girls to be happy, and they couldn't do that without their mommy. It's important that I'm healthy and happy too!
You can lose about 2 pounds a week, they say, and stay at a "healthy" rate of weight loss. So 38 weeks for that number is fine. Some people lose much faster depending on all those mitigating factors.
ReplyDeleteI'm wishing you success. I know how frutrating it can feel to be at the mercy of the brain chemistry/food cycle.
Hey - a reader from meetup here (Amy St.)... Have you heard of Mindful Eating? I just took a short class about it. It's intriguing and touches on a lot of the things you talk about in this post. It involves meditation, being 'in the moment', slowing down, relishing food as a way to control binging and portion size, etc... I wonder if you would be interested in it. I think with food and parenting, there is a lot of punishment/reward stuff going on. I mean, even loving your kids to death it's draining getting through the day with your kids fed, bathed, rested, intellectually and socially nurtured, etc. By around 3:30pm, the only thing I can do is tell myself I'm awesome and eat some chocolate! Or a lot of chocolate ;-) It's complicated. Best of luck -
ReplyDelete