The good news is that I'm going to be a star.
The bad news is that Kurt probably has a secret gambling problem. Or maybe it's Scouty.
I'm not a very mystical person. I don't even believe in God because it's too silly. But, when I was asked if I wanted to get a free psychic reading and then write about it, my answer was yes. I love the idea of a weird subculture of wacky seers and wizards who can see straight through to the heart of you. I love that they're a mildly persecuted group. They have their own fashion sense, their own mannerisms and language. They are true eccentrics. I love it most of all that occasionally, they make sensible, down to earth people feel like they've been touched by another dimension.
So, yes. I wanted to get a psychic reading.
I called in the first time unprepared. I connected with a woman named Serenity or Tranquility or something, and when she asked what she could help me with, I balked. I thought that I would just say my name and she would begin spewing facts about my love life. I said something like, "Um, I don't know. I don't really know how this works..."
She said, in a voice wizened by years of filterless cigarette smoking, "How what works?"
"Oh," I said. "Well, what do you need to know?"
"What do I need to know?" she said.
"About me?" I said.
"What are you TALKING about?" she said.
Uh oh. I was testing Serenity's patience. "Sorry. Can you... um, tell me about my career?" I asked.
"Okay..." she said. "What about it?"
"Will it go well?" I said.
"I see that you're lacking direction," she said. "You're indecisive and don't know which direction to take."
"Okay..." I said, waiting for a moment of prophecy. Nothing happened.
"What about my book?" I asked.
"Your BOOK?" she said.
"What do you mean, what about your book?" she asked.
"I wrote a book," I said.
"It's choppy and needs work," she said impatiently "You don't have a clear direction."
I panicked and hung up the phone.
So, now I knew that if you wanted a psychic reading over the phone, you couldn't just call and say hi. I needed some parameters. I had already wasted two of my minutes. I jotted down some notes that read, "Ask about finding a literary agent. Love life?"
I called back, and this time I chose a flamboyant sounding man named Rosco. He sounded like someone who would wear a big earring. I was hoping he wouldn't use his gifts to see that I had already totally rubbed another psychic the wrong way.
I asked him, "I'm currently seeking representation for my novel. Can you tell me if it looks good?"
I could hear cards being shuffled and flipped on the other end.
"I'm seeing a man," he said. "Somebody who brings a mature love to your situation. Lots of patience."
"Could it be my husband?" I asked.
"No," he said. "It isn't your husband. It is possibly your agent."
"Oh, okay, good," I said. "So it's looking like my agent is going to be a man?"
"Definitely," he said. "He will be somebody experienced. Somebody assertive and confident."
I thought that my agent sounded a little steamy.
"The image of a star is coming up," he told me. "That doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it usually means something that can be counted on, a reason to be optimistic."
He paused for a few moments, flipped over a few cards and said, "You. I'm seeing that you're going to have a following. You're going to be a star."
Yes. I believe him.
He went on to tell me that if I shifted my focus to a new project, I would just be turning my desire for the world upside down. He said to "conjure my inner warrior", to be more strict about my resolve. He told me that I was on the right path. I just needed to find the confident, experienced older man who is going to bring me some mature love.
The conversation was fizzling. I still had a few minutes. I asked, "Can you tell me about my love life, really quickly?" I told him I was married and that we owned a home.
He said, "Your husband is coming across as a weak energy. It's like you have a weak bond. He's not coming across as something strong at all."
Hm. It's probably pretty standard that a married woman who calls a psychic line and asks about her love life isn't totally head over heels for her husband. I kind of said, "Oh, I don't know. That's not really..."
"I see your home," he interrupted. "You have a very stable home life and family situation. Wait a second, have you recently been robbed?"
"No..." I said.
"Does someone in your household have a gambling problem?"
"No!" I said.
He seemed like he didn't believe me.
"We don't have any money to gamble with!" I said.
"Maybe that's what I'm seeing..." he said, dubiously.
The reading finished with him telling me that Kurt was generous and pleasant, but that he sensed that a great loss could happen at any time and that it had something to do with Kurt. He reiterated that we're not really showing a strong, potent bond. Now, I won't hand out any facts, but I am going to totally let you speculate about Kurt's prowess and virility.
In summation, I am going to be famous and sought after and everything, no duh.
And Kurt has a gambling and/or libido problem. A psychic said so.
photo by Tommy Wong