We were watching WALL-E and my girl was snuggled up on my lap eating snacks and we were all wrapped up in her blankets. I closed my eyes and smelled her hair. We were so small and still. I started to think about space.
I said to Kurt, "Isn't it weird that colors wouldn't exist if everybody was blind?" Because, things are only real to us because we can perceive them with our senses.
There must be millions of things happening in the universe that we can't perceive because we only have 5 senses. There are probably even things about my children that I don't know and can't see.
And really... if you think about it, everything is just a big, pulsating blur of sensory stimulation. We only control our point of view and believe it to be reality because it is all we can detect, as little human animals.
Sometimes holding my baby tight on movie night makes me sad.
Last night, the stars were burning balls of gas and everything was so big and faraway. I was a stupid, tiny animal believing that I owned these hands and that the things that I can see belong to me. I believed that I could keep my children safe and that my arms were big enough to fit around them.
I smelled her orange and vanilla shampoo and closed my eyes. All around me, life went on and time marched by, or at least that's the way I saw it. In your homes, you were settling down with your loves, holding their hands and feeling their breathe on your face.
I thought again that we must be tornadoes and that everything was a storm. I thought that I could only hold my daughter the way one tornado could embrace another, that she wasn't something separate from me and I couldn't have her. Maybe we weren't real at all. The swirling black storm was outside of my vision. It was animating everything, moving us like puppets. I didn't really own anything at all, not even the right to perceive the red color of her hair.
Sometimes that will happen to me. When I was a kid, I used to have a fear of the idea of infinity. I didn't like how it stretched out into forever and never ended. Sometimes when it's night and everything is holy and still, I wonder what it is I can't know. I wonder what it is that I can't have because I'm only a person with eyes and a mouth and nothing will seem real. Or maybe it's that everything will seem real and I'll realize how powerful I am for my fingertips and nerve endings.
Nothing ever goes away, we just stop being able to understand it.
photo by eirick solheim