Little Flower...

I am feeling better in little ways.

I am.

Remember when I told you I wasn't going to be afraid of Christmas? That I wasn't going to get stressed out about money and mailing cards and entertaining? I was being for real.

Maybe it's my pills, maybe it's the sex dream I had last night.

Maybe it's because it's 45 degrees and sunny and one of my babies is at school while the other one naps.

Maybe I'm just a girl, maybe I'm getting stronger, getting meaner, getting over myself.

But, I feel kind of like I have everything I need.

I had an almost totally silent Sunday, one day. It was just me and the dark outside my window, the sound of wet tires on the pavement.

These people are mine. They're totally, mind-blowingly beautiful and they're mine. You can have little bits and pieces of them. Maybe you even love them in your own way, but they're mine. I made two of them with the third. We are all a part of each other and they're here and real and alive and with me. In my arms. They crawl into my bed at night. I get to smell them and warm them up on cold mornings. We live in a little house and it's ours and it's absolutely bursting with sound and happiness and love.

This.

I've even got Super Kid on my side.



Nobody can say shit to me.

I felt kind of wobbly for a few days after decreasing my dose. I felt dizzy and had weird rushes of something where my hair all stood on end. I noticed that I woke up at night, thinking. I started taking the long way home in the evening so that I could daydream about being brave.

I am proud of myself. My muscles are sore in all the right ways. I am feeling fine.

There is a plastic flower on the windowsill next to me when I'm writing. She dances when sunlight hits her. I know it's a stupid kind of thing to say, but I've grown to love that little flower. She used to wiggle all day like nobody's business, from morning until dark. It hasn't been sunny for weeks, but she's still going on, as best as she can with what she's got to work with.



That's me singing and then saying, "What? Oh, taping the flower..."



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