So, when I woke up and realized that I had just been sleeping for OVER 12 HOURS, PEOPLE... one of the first things I thought of was how I needed to weigh myself and write about it, here. I thought, "Yes. Since I haven't had anything to eat or drink in so long, I'm probably dehydrated enough to have lost some extra ounces."
And then I felt like punching myself in the face.
Honestly, I've wanted to punch myself quite a few times over the last few weeks.
Hooray! I'll just weigh myself before I drink any water so that I can cheat my way into appearing to be a few ounces thinner than I really am!
I mean, who I am I kidding? Women who think these things and behave this way are idiots. I don't want to be an idiot.
Ever since I decided that I was going to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time, there have been countless moments where I've acted like a douche. There have been countless times that I've decided to not eat in the morning to see how long I could make it before "giving in." I have obsessed about food and my appearance. I have counted calories. I have beaten myself with extra intense workouts for the sin of overeating the day before. I have been thinking of myself as fat, so that I could stay motivated.
You know what? It's all bullshit and I'm a bullshit person for participating in it.
Do you know how many times I've done this in my life? Do you know how many times it has actually worked at making me feel happy with myself?
There have even been times that I've felt great about myself and my body, and they didn't have any correlation with the times I've been the thinnest.
I'm not going to stop endeavoring to be the healthiest person I can be. That includes my relationship with eating. As a matter of fact, I need to focus the most on my relationship with eating, but not because Ugh, I'm so fat that I need to get a healthy relationship with food so that I can be skinny and then I'll be fixed. That is a stupid and damaging way to think.
I need to focus on my relationship with eating and with my perception of my body because I think the way that unhealthy people think.
When I have a Christmas party (like I did yesterday) and there is a bunch of wonderful, rich food in my life for ONE FUCKING DAY, I look at it and think, "Oh my god, I shouldn't eat any of this, but I know that I am going to and then I'm going to feel so fucking guilty. I'll either just feel like a fat cow, or I'll spend my free Sunday tomorrow running and lifting weights until I want to pass out."
You know? What the fuck is that all about? Especially for somebody like me.
Somebody like me doesn't believe that eating equals failure.
Somebody like me doesn't believe that fat equals ugly.
I don't believe that eating a piece of birthday cake means that I've fucked up.
I don't believe that being skinnier will make me happier when I'm getting there by acting like a fucking idiot.
I'm not beating myself up. I know that I'm not an idiot. But, when it comes to food and my weight, the only way I know how to approach it is to start treating food like it's SO BAD and to start treating myself like I'm SO FAT AND UGLY so that I'll be able to comply with the behaviors it supposedly takes to make me more HEALTHY. There isn't anything healthy about thinking and behaving this way.
Skinny isn't beautiful.
Fat isn't beautiful.
People are beautiful when they're actually beautiful.
This doesn't mean that I'm just going to "give up" and throw in the towel and decide to start eating a bunch of cheesecake every day or something because I refuse to let cheesecake equal evil.
It just means that I refuse to participate in this way of thinking, anymore. It's so stupid. It is so a product of growing up in a world where women are only allowed to be beautiful, successful and acceptable if they either fit an ideal or agree to hate themselves and be ashamed of their bodies.
Why do we even feel like we are "too fat" in the first place? Why, when I love movement and activity and have appropriate numbers in every health category (ie. blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol etc.) do I still feel like my body isn't perfect?
It is because I'm succumbing to a stupid idea put in place to make sure that women keep acting stupid and hating themselves and squabbling amongst themselves and obsessing about they way they look in cute pink workout gear instead of being powerful. I'm behaving in a way that is keeping me from being a force in the world. I have accepted an idea so damaging and insidious that it's able to overshadow all of my other capabilities and accomplishments.
I'm smart and gorgeous and talented and accomplished. I'm a great mom and an awesome person... but deep down inside, we all know that none of that really matters, because I'm not allowed to really BELIEVE that I'm awesome until I'm skinny.
How often do I wake up on Sunday morning and think about how beautiful and talented and amazing I am, instead of hoping to cheat out a few ounces on the scale or telling myself not to eat anything until lunch time to save on calories? Never, right? That never, ever happens.
And just imagine what I could do, if instead of all the times I looked at myself and didn't feel pretty and didn't feel skinny... if instead, I acknowledged how worthwhile, beautiful, amazing and inspiring I am? What would my life be like, then? Would I still be too fat?
Something else is that I am convinced that my attempts at losing weight through feeling ashamed about eating and hating myself for "failing" don't do anything but keep me unhealthy. They keep me from looking at myself, loving myself and being able to approach each one of my days with an attitude that says,
Today, I am going to do my best as a capable, amazing and beautiful woman to make the choices that will make me the happiest, that will make me feel the best and help my body and soul to function the best.
If I said that to myself every day, I would already be winning, because I wouldn't have started from a place where I have to assume that I'm too fat and not good enough and scared of something coming up where I might be pressured to eat. I'd be starting every day remembering that I'm an amazing person, I'm a wonderful person, I'm a goddamn beautiful person, and I want to do everything I can to exert my personal power all over the place, because I can TRUST MYSELF TO LIKE MYSELF.
I'm not too big or too small.
I'm not ugly or pretty.
I'm just not made up of those things.
I don't participate in such a hateful, shallow and patriarchal judgement when dealing with everybody else in the world. There isn't a single woman in my life who I love and admire for being thin or pretty. The women I love and admire are certainly beautiful and sexy and inspiring, but not because they've managed to fit in and look like they're supposed to look.
Fuck.
How come it's so easy to see, when you step outside... but when it's just you and a scale or a mirror or whatever, it's like we just become vapid, controlled, female idiots? Why do we judge ourselves in a way that we absolutely would never, in a million years DREAM of being so terrible as to judge the people in our lives that same way?
My number on the scale went down, this morning, just for reference. I don't even care because I'm so grossed out by the way it happened.
I've got some thinking and figuring to do, but I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm on to something and that it's clear for the first time.
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You hit the nail right on the head, Amanda. Being considerably thinner has not made me happy. However, the amount of motivation, will-power, self-respect, and self-worth that I have gained throughout my weight loss journey HAS made me considerably happier than I have ever been in my life.
ReplyDeleteI still eat what I want... in moderation. I LOVE FOOD. I love cooking it, baking it, watching TV shows about it, and EATING it. However, my relationship with food has changed. These days, I normally only eat when I am truly hungry, and I try really hard to not overeat. If I have a special occasion, I partake in the festivities and I pig out and have fun while doing it. For instance, last night was my friend Matty's birthday, and you had better believe that I was in a crowded bar at 1am sharing a plate of loaded nachos with him, his girlfriend, and my husband. :)
I loved this post... especially since I read it after coming home from a grueling, hour-and-a-half long workout at the gym. I didn't throw down at the gym because I ate bar nachos the night before. I put in a killer workout because earlier in the day, I was sitting around in dirty pajamas telling myself that I didn't want to go to the gym. It's times like that where I purposefully kick my own ass and prove to myself that I CAN DO IT, and that feeling of satisfaction that consumes me after a workout like that makes me feel better than most things have ever been able to. A personal trainer looked me in the eye during a really difficult class recently that I was admittedly slacking in and said to me, "YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT."
She was 100% correct. The workouts that I have put my body through have left me soaked in a fresh layer of sweat, panting in submission, and surprised that I actually had that amount of energy in me. Henry Rollins wrote my favorite piece of all-time about exercise, and in it he describes how in everyday life, people will bullshit you with their phoniness, and leave you constantly questioning yourself and others. He then goes on to finalize the article by saying that even though people are wishy-washy, "200 lbs. is always 200 lbs.," referring to the amount of weight that he could bench. That perfectly sums up my feelings on the gym. I will post the link to it below.
I got so busy with school that I have a lot of catching up to do with your blog. As always, FANTASTIC job.
ROLLINS ARTICLE: http://nerdfitness.com/blog/2009/03/16/iron-and-the-soul/
Glad to see a good perspective on healthy living. I have to add this though, I ran into a friend a few years ago, and remarked on how good she looked. She had lost some weight, not that I thought she really needed to, but she had such a healthy glow about her.
ReplyDeleteShe told me she was watching her portions, but the most valuable part of her healthy weight loss plan was getting enough sleep. She skipped no meals, but added some night sleep to her daily routine. Thought this was interesting although it did make perfect sense.
You sleep a deep long sleep and awake to an epiphany.
So don't skip your breakfast, breaking the fast actually kick starts our metabolism, but maybe add a little more sleep to your night? Just a thought. :)
You're so right, about judging yourself in ways you would never judge other people. I am absolutely guilty of that. My favorite girlfriends are not model thin or perfectly put together, but they are perfect in every other way: they are smart, honest, funny (in a way most moms I meet are not), full of life and love and beautiful.
ReplyDeletemizzmetro, I am interested to read that article from Henry Rollins and I really enjoyed what you had to say. I used to be a dancer and could push myself for hours, but have an awful time trying to push myself to do even light exercise for 15 minutes.
Amanda, you continue to inspire me to be a better person for myself and my family and put forth such concise and eloquent points to consider. While, as I mentioned earlier, I do have mommy friends locally that I love, I wish I had someone like you around here!
well, i think your feelings are pretty common, you are NOT alone. i often weigh myself in the morning before i've eaten or drank anything too btw.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post . . . hell it sounds like the dialogue that goes on in my head when I decide that I need to drop some weight.
ReplyDeleteYou are 100% correct. Society needs to stop thinking that skinny=healthy=attractive because that is so not the case.
Jenn
Your blog is the most truthful thing I read. You inspires me to be real. To stop comparing, complaining, competing. To love who I am what I am and that even if I say "fuck" too much or sometimes feel like a shitty mother...I. Am. Fine. And I'm never alone. And I'm SO lucky that I get to be Mama to this perfect little soul and married to this real man who I thought didn't really exist. I have a past full of guilt that I'm struggling to let go of...or not let go of...still working on that one..
ReplyDeleteAnyway...thank you. From the bottom of my imperfect heart...Thank you! It's so strange and wonderful the internet friend I've found in you..
With love and peace...
Jenn
People are people.
ReplyDeleteI have been judged based on appearance since I can remember.
I will be truthful since you are truthful:
women in my town won't give me a chance b/c of the way I look.
I have been shunned and have had to listen to others laugh as they talk about all the coffees they attend at each other's houses.The ones I"m never invited to.
All based on appearance: if you look like them, they like you. IF you don't, then you're not one of them.
Yes, mama: it's all bs. Looks are all bs.
It's what we are, our spirit, that is the beautiful thing I see.
And I saw yours from the beginning.
xo