So, when I woke up and realized that I had just been sleeping for OVER 12 HOURS, PEOPLE... one of the first things I thought of was how I needed to weigh myself and write about it, here. I thought, "Yes. Since I haven't had anything to eat or drink in so long, I'm probably dehydrated enough to have lost some extra ounces."
And then I felt like punching myself in the face.
Honestly, I've wanted to punch myself quite a few times over the last few weeks.
Hooray! I'll just weigh myself before I drink any water so that I can cheat my way into appearing to be a few ounces thinner than I really am!
I mean, who I am I kidding? Women who think these things and behave this way are idiots. I don't want to be an idiot.
Ever since I decided that I was going to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time, there have been countless moments where I've acted like a douche. There have been countless times that I've decided to not eat in the morning to see how long I could make it before "giving in." I have obsessed about food and my appearance. I have counted calories. I have beaten myself with extra intense workouts for the sin of overeating the day before. I have been thinking of myself as fat, so that I could stay motivated.
You know what? It's all bullshit and I'm a bullshit person for participating in it.
Do you know how many times I've done this in my life? Do you know how many times it has actually worked at making me feel happy with myself?
There have even been times that I've felt great about myself and my body, and they didn't have any correlation with the times I've been the thinnest.
I'm not going to stop endeavoring to be the healthiest person I can be. That includes my relationship with eating. As a matter of fact, I need to focus the most on my relationship with eating, but not because Ugh, I'm so fat that I need to get a healthy relationship with food so that I can be skinny and then I'll be fixed. That is a stupid and damaging way to think.
I need to focus on my relationship with eating and with my perception of my body because I think the way that unhealthy people think.
When I have a Christmas party (like I did yesterday) and there is a bunch of wonderful, rich food in my life for ONE FUCKING DAY, I look at it and think, "Oh my god, I shouldn't eat any of this, but I know that I am going to and then I'm going to feel so fucking guilty. I'll either just feel like a fat cow, or I'll spend my free Sunday tomorrow running and lifting weights until I want to pass out."
You know? What the fuck is that all about? Especially for somebody like me.
Somebody like me doesn't believe that eating equals failure.
Somebody like me doesn't believe that fat equals ugly.
I don't believe that eating a piece of birthday cake means that I've fucked up.
I don't believe that being skinnier will make me happier when I'm getting there by acting like a fucking idiot.
I'm not beating myself up. I know that I'm not an idiot. But, when it comes to food and my weight, the only way I know how to approach it is to start treating food like it's SO BAD and to start treating myself like I'm SO FAT AND UGLY so that I'll be able to comply with the behaviors it supposedly takes to make me more HEALTHY. There isn't anything healthy about thinking and behaving this way.
Skinny isn't beautiful.
Fat isn't beautiful.
People are beautiful when they're actually beautiful.
This doesn't mean that I'm just going to "give up" and throw in the towel and decide to start eating a bunch of cheesecake every day or something because I refuse to let cheesecake equal evil.
It just means that I refuse to participate in this way of thinking, anymore. It's so stupid. It is so a product of growing up in a world where women are only allowed to be beautiful, successful and acceptable if they either fit an ideal or agree to hate themselves and be ashamed of their bodies.
Why do we even feel like we are "too fat" in the first place? Why, when I love movement and activity and have appropriate numbers in every health category (ie. blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol etc.) do I still feel like my body isn't perfect?
It is because I'm succumbing to a stupid idea put in place to make sure that women keep acting stupid and hating themselves and squabbling amongst themselves and obsessing about they way they look in cute pink workout gear instead of being powerful. I'm behaving in a way that is keeping me from being a force in the world. I have accepted an idea so damaging and insidious that it's able to overshadow all of my other capabilities and accomplishments.
I'm smart and gorgeous and talented and accomplished. I'm a great mom and an awesome person... but deep down inside, we all know that none of that really matters, because I'm not allowed to really BELIEVE that I'm awesome until I'm skinny.
How often do I wake up on Sunday morning and think about how beautiful and talented and amazing I am, instead of hoping to cheat out a few ounces on the scale or telling myself not to eat anything until lunch time to save on calories? Never, right? That never, ever happens.
And just imagine what I could do, if instead of all the times I looked at myself and didn't feel pretty and didn't feel skinny... if instead, I acknowledged how worthwhile, beautiful, amazing and inspiring I am? What would my life be like, then? Would I still be too fat?
Something else is that I am convinced that my attempts at losing weight through feeling ashamed about eating and hating myself for "failing" don't do anything but keep me unhealthy. They keep me from looking at myself, loving myself and being able to approach each one of my days with an attitude that says,
Today, I am going to do my best as a capable, amazing and beautiful woman to make the choices that will make me the happiest, that will make me feel the best and help my body and soul to function the best.
If I said that to myself every day, I would already be winning, because I wouldn't have started from a place where I have to assume that I'm too fat and not good enough and scared of something coming up where I might be pressured to eat. I'd be starting every day remembering that I'm an amazing person, I'm a wonderful person, I'm a goddamn beautiful person, and I want to do everything I can to exert my personal power all over the place, because I can TRUST MYSELF TO LIKE MYSELF.
I'm not too big or too small.
I'm not ugly or pretty.
I'm just not made up of those things.
I don't participate in such a hateful, shallow and patriarchal judgement when dealing with everybody else in the world. There isn't a single woman in my life who I love and admire for being thin or pretty. The women I love and admire are certainly beautiful and sexy and inspiring, but not because they've managed to fit in and look like they're supposed to look.
How come it's so easy to see, when you step outside... but when it's just you and a scale or a mirror or whatever, it's like we just become vapid, controlled, female idiots? Why do we judge ourselves in a way that we absolutely would never, in a million years DREAM of being so terrible as to judge the people in our lives that same way?
My number on the scale went down, this morning, just for reference. I don't even care because I'm so grossed out by the way it happened.
I've got some thinking and figuring to do, but I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm on to something and that it's clear for the first time.