It's winter and it's cold and there isn't very much light. I was thinking about how I don't feel right. How I want the sun and I want to walk outside in the grass. I want there to be light on my face, in the morning. I feel a million miles away from living.
I get anxious in the evenings, just before Kurt gets home. Like, I almost make it, but not quite. Like the hour between 4 and 5 is darkening too quickly.
I was thinking that it's probably okay.
It's probably okay that I don't feel the same in the winter. Everything is gone; all the trees are bare. All the city colors are covered over in salt. I can't walk very far. I'm intolerant of wind. My lips crack and bleed.
Why wouldn't I feel it in my bones when the sun goes down without ever having been here? Why do I try to internalize these feelings and say, "Something is wrong with me?" Something is wrong with the world. There is nowhere to bury my head, everything is hard and frozen over. The birds are all gone but the crows. They remember things. If you steal from them, they remember your face.
I'm lost deep in things. I have imaginary friends, only they aren't imaginary. I have relationships with them in my head. Sometimes they get stuck and I get stuck and I can't come back into the world until I've lived them. That's called story telling and I rant to Kurt at night on the couch. I want to be something. I want to eat all the words I read and make myself out of them. I just want this. I want to die, halfway between moss and the moon.
I want the stars to know my face. I want to steal from the crows. It's winter and that's probably okay.
I'm proud of myself for this, for the hours behind my eyes, for the late nights and tears in the evening. I used to not know who I was. I used to think I knew everything.
Oh my gosh, yes. YES. I get this.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, beautiful as always. It's winter and that's probably okay. I feel you. Feeling sorry or myself an missing daylight fun times. Feeling uninspired to blog. Feeling uninspired to make jewelry. Reading a bit here and there. Waiting for crocuses to appear. But you're right...it's probably okay. In fact, January just makes July better.
ReplyDeleteI can remember crying in the car as the sun finally broke through the winter gloom and shone for a few glorious moments. I cried because I knew I couldn't keep it there or bring it back when I so desperately needed it.
ReplyDeleteYes. And all of these things are okay, i think. What if we just decided to go with the feeling of lower energy and waited for spring to pressure ourselves to get stuff done and be social and active and bright and energetic. Maybe we're supposed to feel a little sleepy and a little gray. Maybe that's what winter is all about?
ReplyDeletei have something for you. i have your address somewhere, i think.
ReplyDeleteYour words are so beautiful. They really speak to me. Raw and honest. Thank you for sharing your soul.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, your comment. Is exactly what I think. I love winter because in many ways I am dark and gray and it suits me very well. I love the short days and the hunkering down. I don't know, I may live further North than you but in the summer, the days start at about 5 am and the sun truly ducks down at about 10 pm. That is simply too much for me, I feel like I can never stop and catch a breath. In winter, in my head anyway, my day starts to end at 4.
ReplyDeleteBut when it comes down to it? I want to feel good in my sleepy and gray, and that is how I feel in the winter. I've just never thought about it in those exact words. Thanks!
Oh, I like everyone's comments as much as the post. It's probably okay. We all feel like something's lost, even in this weirdly 50 degree winter...then 20... Then 50...
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful that in Florida, even when it's cold, the skies are blue. I don't know if I could make it through a grey winter.
ReplyDeleteI quite like winter. But sometimes I imagine that hibernating would be really cool. Eat all you want, then snuggle under the covers and sleep until the sun is back. ;) Anyway, a beautiful piece!
ReplyDeleteDo I have to pick just one favorite comment? OK "I feel a million miles away from living." But seriously. What I LOVE about this piece is how it goes from the concrete to the abstract and from there shows you in a brutally honest light. This is a story, and it is also a truth. It is awesome.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I rant about the same things to Scott.
While I can't really relate, being a fan of winter, I know people who can. I really felt the longing for warmer weather in this.
ReplyDeletewinter always seems to be the time I get into a 'funk'. I long for the colors and leaves on the trees. I can handle a few days of grey skies,but not many. Some days the only thing that gets me through it is the thought of Spring, my favorite season!
ReplyDeleteLoved it, thanks for linking up with us :)
Interesting take. Very nice. :)
ReplyDelete