I love you for being concerned.
Here's an update on (my life threateningly stressful waiting HELL) our brand new job situation.
We got some good news. It could be REALLY good news.
There's just one more step to the process. We didn't know there was another step. This other step is going to give me an ulcer.
The thing is, it's not going to be SO MUCH MORE money that it matters. It's not going to mean very much to me, personally. We'll be in a similar position... Kurt will work and I'll stay at home and write for as much money as I can scrape together. That will all still be the same.
But this job, it's at a prestigious university. My husband would feel proud of landing a job at a prestigious university in a hip, trendy, fun part of the city. He could ride public transit to work for free. He could go back to school for free. Our girls could go to college for free. He would feel like he'd made it.
My sweet, unassuming husband who works so hard and gives up so much, he would feel like he could announce himself proudly. He would feel like he was going places, that every day wasn't something to get through so that we didn't starve. He wouldn't be doing it just for us. He would be so proud of himself. He would stand up taller. He would be happier.
That's why it matters so much.
That's why I've been feeling like I am going to throw up every waking moment of the past few days. That's why I'm so scared and why I'm going insane waiting for this.
It's not that it would change very much about my daily life. It's that it would make the person I love the most, out of all the people in the world, really happy.
That's what's at stake. The boy I loved so much that we gave up our wildness and made a baby and bought a house and got married and made another baby... he might get to feel like he can walk around in the world, looking everybody in the eye. He might not have to suffer through most days, anymore. He might get to feel really fucking proud of himself and even be happy.
I can't take the thought that this might not happen.
That's why it has to happen.
That's why, for the next 3-5 business days, I'll be puking up my meals and holding my breath every time the phone rings.
what kind of job is it??? THIS IS SO AWESOME. i'm going to be anxious right along with you. one thing is for sure, you obviously aren't waiting this out alone. :)
ReplyDeleteI. Hate. the Wait.
ReplyDeleteI don't hate much in this life, but I do not like the kind of wait you are enduring this week, I can't even tell you how much.
Well. Actually I can.
When I was pregnant with my first, I lied to everyone except my midwives. To them I simply stated that my baby would be at least three weeks later than expected. That way nobody would be freaking out and making me freak out about waiting. I set my sights to a five week window, and really expected things to happen at the end of that five. The Due Zone, I called it. Because what is (for most women) some of the most impatient waiting? The end of a pregnancy.
But this waiting you're doing? It wouldn't be in my control and I would Hate. It. I'm lucky I'm too busy to obsess on your man's wait (though I think about it here and there and send good thoughts your way). Best I can do, otherwise I'd be throwing up alongside of you.
I hope hope hope it all comes together sooner than later. <3
I just threw up.
ReplyDeleteNo, really, I did. I was nauseous before I started reading because today has been a high-caffeine-kill-the-stomach kind of day, and I got to the middle, and something about the descriptions totally hit my gut, and I barely made the toilet.
So. Um. That's one meal you can keep instead maybe? I'm sure the timing was coincidence, but now my mouth is filling with water again, and I gotta go.
PS. Back. Yes. I did puke more. I think I may just be getting sick. Ugh.
Crying because I want this for you.
ReplyDeleteI want this for my husband too.
Sending love and intentions your way.
Ps...
You are a fiery, passionate beautiful wifey and you are needed just as you are with your wild storms and frolicking oceans. Don't sell yourself short, ok? Maybe you're not perfect. But guess what... None of us are. Yet we are perfect for each other. Your storm is the most perfect landscape for his serene. His steady is the perfect landscape for your adventure. Xo.