I love you for being concerned.
Here's an update on (my life threateningly stressful waiting HELL) our brand new job situation.
We got some good news. It could be REALLY good news.
There's just one more step to the process. We didn't know there was another step. This other step is going to give me an ulcer.
The thing is, it's not going to be SO MUCH MORE money that it matters. It's not going to mean very much to me, personally. We'll be in a similar position... Kurt will work and I'll stay at home and write for as much money as I can scrape together. That will all still be the same.
But this job, it's at a prestigious university. My husband would feel proud of landing a job at a prestigious university in a hip, trendy, fun part of the city. He could ride public transit to work for free. He could go back to school for free. Our girls could go to college for free. He would feel like he'd made it.
My sweet, unassuming husband who works so hard and gives up so much, he would feel like he could announce himself proudly. He would feel like he was going places, that every day wasn't something to get through so that we didn't starve. He wouldn't be doing it just for us. He would be so proud of himself. He would stand up taller. He would be happier.
That's why it matters so much.
That's why I've been feeling like I am going to throw up every waking moment of the past few days. That's why I'm so scared and why I'm going insane waiting for this.
It's not that it would change very much about my daily life. It's that it would make the person I love the most, out of all the people in the world, really happy.
That's what's at stake. The boy I loved so much that we gave up our wildness and made a baby and bought a house and got married and made another baby... he might get to feel like he can walk around in the world, looking everybody in the eye. He might not have to suffer through most days, anymore. He might get to feel really fucking proud of himself and even be happy.
I can't take the thought that this might not happen.
That's why it has to happen.
That's why, for the next 3-5 business days, I'll be puking up my meals and holding my breath every time the phone rings.