Tuesday, April 17, 2012
My lunch dates
These are my lunch dates, every single day, you guys.
When I think about that, I feel like a fucking superhero.
My girls are beautiful people. They love each other. They're kind and considerate of one another's feelings. Louisey wants to be Scouty, and Scout always makes sure that she's the right kind of person to want to be.
They accomplish impossible things. It's no easy feat being kind and considerate with your little sister when she's just ripped a toy out of your hands. It's not, but Scouty does it.
It's also not easy being smaller and slower and more clumsy than your idol, but Louisey does it. She falls and she drop things and she makes mistakes, and she never stops smiling. She never stops trying.
They are impossible. They've made my life an impossible thing. I get to wake up every morning to them, even with everything I've done in my life. I get to hold them while they're sleeping. I get to hear all of their jokes, witness every moment of sisterhood between them.
There are plenty of things about keeping a house that bother me. There are plenty of things about being at home that make me crazy. I'm more than these messes and these meals and this bathtub that needs scrubbing.
There is nothing about being their mother that I don't love and covet and roll around in and cover with sprinkles and eat for breakfast.
Someone once told me that I shouldn't say they saved me. I think that's bullshit.
Do you know why we have each other? Do you know why I get to spend my life with two beautiful, mild, thoughtful, creative, smart and impossible people? It's because I deserve them. It doesn't matter what I thought I was, before. Since the moment I found out my biggest girl was a tiny seed in my belly, I have walked on narrow light beams. I've been clean and soft and feathery.
I had a lot to work through. You know, don't you? I talk about it all the time. My godly childhood, how my father didn't love me, how he made my mother choose between me and the word of God. As a teenager, I acted out, dressed in black, started learning how not to care that I was smart and brilliant. By the time I was halfway through my twenties, I was the sort of person you cross the street to avoid.
The thing about it all is that I never lied and cheated. I never stole anything from anybody. I never did those things, even though I lived in that world. I wasn't welcome at anybody's dinner table, but I wasn't good at being an asshole, either. All I wanted was to be left alone, so that I could die. I wasn't a piece of shit... I just didn't exist.
Before I met Kurt, before I knew my girls, nobody had ever given me a reason to be real. I never loved anything so much that I understood that it mattered whether I lived or died.
Something is... it mattered the whole time. Just because I didn't know it, doesn't mean it wasn't true.
My girls didn't save me in the sense that I didn't matter, before, and now I do. They saved me in the sense that they filled me up with a love so bright and simple and true, everything I'd been and done were finally illuminated in a way that I couldn't mistake myself, anymore. I couldn't believe I was nothing, anymore. Not now that I a hot and pure love inside of me that could move mountains.
I always had the ability to move them, I just couldn't see it. From the moment was I born, people were covering my eyes and stopping up my mouth. They were putting me under cover, hobbling me, demanding that I fall short of the glory of god. The man was the head of the household, and I was so mad at men. Women were subservient to men, and I hated women. Children didn't matter. We were mouthpieces, things to lay hands on. I was me, that whole time. I was a person capable of staggering things. I was beautiful and important and good, I just couldn't see.
Sometimes my girls are so cute, I feel like I might not be able able to stand it. It's too much. I'm only a human being, with a human heart. There is no way I can bear witness to so much goodness and live to tell the tale.
Do you have any idea how grateful I am for all of this?