Can I tell you the truth? (Get ready douches who think I have serious issues...)
I'm not feeling so great.
Everything was fine. This is my fifth day off of Zoloft. I thought I might not have any withdrawal symptoms at all, but they hit me today.
We had a really nice, easy day. We were together all day, the four of us, which feels like it barely ever happens. We went to a farmer's market, the playground and then out for lunch at my favorite vegetarian restaurant. Kurt was sweet and helpful, as always. The girls were beautiful and delightful, as always.
And I felt like total shit.
I've been achey and tense, full of anxiety and sick to my stomach. I keep having these weird dizzy moments where it feels like my brain is getting zapped with electricity. I recognize all of these things as withdrawal.
Now, it's 9 at night. Kurt took Scouty to the Pirate game and Louise is in bed. I lit a candle and did some yoga. I made a cup of tea. I put on my pajamas and settled into the arm char. And then I decided to google Zoloft withdrawal.
About fifty thousand message boards and natural health sites later, I'm panicking and convinced that I've done permanent damage to my brain by poisoning it with a pharmaceutical from a company that wants to profit off of my sickness, that I'll never sleep again, I'll have a brain zap and pass out while driving and enter into a weird hallucinatory state where I'm actually dreaming while I'm awake. The bottle of little blue pills nestled quietly in the kitchen cupboard seemed so unassuming, but I've got their number, now.
Some teenagers walked by outside my window, laughing and holding hands. They startled me so badly I almost dropped my teacup onto my laptop. I wish my big girl was home and cuddled up under her blankies. It's dark and I'm lonley and I miss my husband.
Somebody talk some sense into me.
I was supposed to being tough about this. I was supposed to be maintaining a good frame of mind.
Millions of people take these drugs every day. Millions of people get off of them. Most of those people might feel a little anxious and a little light headed for a few days, but it turns out okay. I KNOW PEOPLE, they're my friends, and they take Zoloft and nobody is poisoned and nobody is going to get a brain zap and start hallucinating and everybody is okay. They were a miracle for me. They stopped me from having postpartum anxiety, again. They're fine. It's fine.
I can do this, all right?
Tell me I can do this.
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So, mine wasn't zoloft - but similar... and I totally dealt with the brain zappiness! I promise, it goes away. For me, it meant I needed to back myself off slower (I, uh, made the poor decision just to stop taking them). I promise, no permanent brain damage and eventually, it did stop zapping me... I just had to give my body a chance to readjust itself. You're going to be okay, I promise!
ReplyDeleteYou can.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to be okay, I swear.
ReplyDeleteI take sertraline, which is a generic of zoloft. I've also taken zoloft. I have a social anxiety disorder. Its bad.
Recently my doctor changed my meds, upped to a higher dose. I've had 4 panic attacks in 5 weeks. I'm on my seventh day of the new meds and today is the first time in 3 weeks I haven't felt like running away from home and staying drunk somewhere.
The meds eventually help. But like any chemical mixed with the bad wiring in our bodies, it takes time.
I would never tell you to relax or calm downd or whatever else dumb ass people says to us mentally folk.
Your illness is real, its part of you, and it makes you special.
Hang in there.
Last weekend I flipped out in a major way and wrote this: http://lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/the-chemicals-between-us/
I hope it makes you feel better.
This is a respectful, platonic, brotherly virtual hug.
You're going to be okay.
Thank you, girls!
ReplyDeleteAlzbeta, I get so worked up when I'm left alone to good health issues! It helps me so much to know that you've been through the brain zaps, too.
You can do this. You can absolutely do this. Keep an eye on your symptoms. Seek help if you need it. LOTS of people have been on -and discontinued- these drugs. We all do things that, according to somebody on the internet, will surely be our doom. It sounds like you've been thoughtful, moderate, proactive and safe. Keep it up and you'll be just fine.
ReplyDeleteLance, thank you. I just read your post and thank you for writing it, too. Reading it totally did make me feel better. Well, not better... but you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI never had a single panic attack until right after I had my first baby. They plagued me for a few years, until I started taking zoloft after giving birth to my second baby. It's been almost two years, and I just want to be able to do this on my own... but when I get all tense and panicky, I feel like every little symptom means that the world is falling apart. It sucks.
Anyway, thank you.
LazyBones, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I have totally tried to be as healthy and safe as possible, stepping down my meds and adjusting my life to take it as easy on myself as possible during this time. I just need to not freak out and second guess myself, and I'll make it. Thank you so much.
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ReplyDeleteMine was Paxil. That was some hard stuff to get off of. One day, I tried to rearrange the furniture and couldn't figure out why it was so hard to walk around until after I had a nap and realized that I'd just pushed all the furniture into the middle of the room.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, but stay connected. The brain can be strange while it readjusts, so keep talking and reaching out.
You can SO do this!!
ReplyDeleteI've been through those withdrawl symptoms, and they suck....but they won't last forever.
Schmutzie and Tracie, I'm tearing up, you have no idea how much it's helping me to hear that you brilliant women have been through this. I just read too many weird horror stories in too many weird places on the internet, tonight. I totally need to focus on people like you, instead.
ReplyDeleteI just weaned off Cymbalta. I have been on an SSRI since I was five months pregnant with my fourth baby... three and a half years. You can do this. It is scary, and the Internet would have you believe your brain will fall out your ear, but it won't.
ReplyDeleteIt's good you are paying close attention to your body's signals. That is so smart of you. Keep listening and reaching out when things suck.
You will win this.
Girl, you've got this thing. You've totally got this thing. I've been on Zoloft three times (and, thus, off Zoloft three times), Paxil and Prozac. The first time I cold-turkeyed myself off Zoloft, I was fine for the first two days and a freaking mess the third day. My friend came over and took me out. We just went walking around downtown College Town, and I felt completely tripped out. Visual disturbances, paranoia, edginess. Just a mess. I was absolutely convinced that I'd induced some kind of schizophrenia. That lasted a few days until I realized it was gone and I was fine. That day is just around the corner for you, I'm betting. Hang in there. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda - I cannot count myself among those who have been there, but I work in mental health and have read your blog for a while... and I have every faith in you that you can do this.
ReplyDeleteLook at it this way: thanks to Zoloft, your neurochemical receptors gotten a little lazy and "enabled", and now they are working on their own for the first time in a while. Think about when you first start to intensively exercise a muscle group - you shake, you burn, and you think there's no way in hell you can keep going. But over time, you find that it becomes less and less of a challenge. I think you'll find the same here. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's going to suck. You might consider using imagery: when you feel gripped by anxiety or paranoia, visualize yourself in your workout of choice, straining and working harder than ever but confident that you can get through it because you have so many times before. (Or any other empowering image.) I agree with LazyBones that you should monitor your symptoms and, if you find yourself overwhelmed or unable to get through the day, seek some help.
I really appreciate the way you have chronicled your journey through all of this - and I know that you of all people know there would be no shame if you absolutely couldn't wean off Zoloft right now. But we are all here rooting for you!!
You can ABSOLUTELY do this! I took Zoloft after both boys, longer after L, and felt AWFUL when the withdrawals happened. Everything you described, I had. And it all got better. And just think, when you get over this hump, it will be another "VOILA, motherfuckers" moment. Hang in there and just do whatever you need to do to be healthy.
ReplyDeleteYou're in good shape. These are normal withdrawal symptoms, and you haven't done permanent brain damage. (The internet is kind of your enemy right now.) I think the thing that scared me most about going off Zoloft was that I felt none of those symptoms. None of them. My body is so fucked up (and I've never done any kind of drugs - hell, I barely drink) that it didn't even notice the damned Zoloft in half the places it was supposed to.
ReplyDeleteNow, I certainly had a resurgance of the problems that had led to me taking the zoloft in the first place, proving what I knew at the time already.
The first time that thing I knew was "I refuse to be pregnant on zoloft, people around me gonna have to deal".
The second time it was "time for a new chemical, because I sure as hell ain't done with needing them. But I need my sex life back."
In your case, I think the side effects will wear off and you'll be fine. Just give yourself a few days and then listen to your body. If you don't need that shizz, that kicks ass. But pay attention to remember why you started taking it in the first place and look at what you feel without it. Because THOSE are the symptoms you have to deal with if they even come back for you. These, you just have to ride them out.
I quit cold turkey in January. Just ran out of my script, didn't have the money to get more, and never went back. Hard as hell.
ReplyDeleteWorth it to actually move to feeling things again, instead of the tired, apathetic lull I'd been living in.
But sometimes, what I feel is rage, despair, sadness. I try not to take it out on my kids. Or my wonderful husband. Sometimes I succeed.
One thing that's really helped is seeing a naturopathic doctor and getting on supplements that are getting my adrenal gland working, my thyroid doing what it's supposed to.
I can't change the past. All I can do is try to do better for the future. And so can you. Just stop, count to ten, and breathe.
You can do this.
Strenuous daily exercise, green tea and not one free moment to yourself for two weeks
ReplyDeletewhen you feel this way, you should email me. message me on fb. something. you're going to be okay. and if you need someone to talk to, i will talk to you, listen to you, send you hugs from really far away (not that far!). you can do this. when you start to feel the anxiety/stomach stuff creeping up, think about your toes. wiggle each one of them. breathe into your belly. drink really cold ice water. snuggle your babies extra tight. it's going to be okay.
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