Can I tell you the truth? (Get ready douches who think I have serious issues...)
I'm not feeling so great.
Everything was fine. This is my fifth day off of Zoloft. I thought I might not have any withdrawal symptoms at all, but they hit me today.
We had a really nice, easy day. We were together all day, the four of us, which feels like it barely ever happens. We went to a farmer's market, the playground and then out for lunch at my favorite vegetarian restaurant. Kurt was sweet and helpful, as always. The girls were beautiful and delightful, as always.
And I felt like total shit.
I've been achey and tense, full of anxiety and sick to my stomach. I keep having these weird dizzy moments where it feels like my brain is getting zapped with electricity. I recognize all of these things as withdrawal.
Now, it's 9 at night. Kurt took Scouty to the Pirate game and Louise is in bed. I lit a candle and did some yoga. I made a cup of tea. I put on my pajamas and settled into the arm char. And then I decided to google Zoloft withdrawal.
About fifty thousand message boards and natural health sites later, I'm panicking and convinced that I've done permanent damage to my brain by poisoning it with a pharmaceutical from a company that wants to profit off of my sickness, that I'll never sleep again, I'll have a brain zap and pass out while driving and enter into a weird hallucinatory state where I'm actually dreaming while I'm awake. The bottle of little blue pills nestled quietly in the kitchen cupboard seemed so unassuming, but I've got their number, now.
Some teenagers walked by outside my window, laughing and holding hands. They startled me so badly I almost dropped my teacup onto my laptop. I wish my big girl was home and cuddled up under her blankies. It's dark and I'm lonley and I miss my husband.
Somebody talk some sense into me.
I was supposed to being tough about this. I was supposed to be maintaining a good frame of mind.
Millions of people take these drugs every day. Millions of people get off of them. Most of those people might feel a little anxious and a little light headed for a few days, but it turns out okay. I KNOW PEOPLE, they're my friends, and they take Zoloft and nobody is poisoned and nobody is going to get a brain zap and start hallucinating and everybody is okay. They were a miracle for me. They stopped me from having postpartum anxiety, again. They're fine. It's fine.
I can do this, all right?
Tell me I can do this.