I'm doing a 30 day detox diet, or a modified juice fast, which means that I am juicing fruits and vegetables 2-3 times per day, and eating fruits and vegetables only, for 30 days.
I'm on Day 3, right now, and I feel like it's kind of going awesome.
It hasn't been very hard, so far. I've tried to do fasts where I drink juice only, but I always end up feeling sick and anxious and I give up. I am not the sort of person to volunteer to feel bad, even for a day or two. I'm too neurotic. Being able to eat, and to not just have fluid sloshing around in my belly all day, is making this a lot easier.
I have a lot of reasons for wanting to do this. I know that some people don't understand it, or they think, "What about the PROTEIN?" and have a heart attack and faint because we're Americans and nobody ever taught us that there is protein in vegetables because kale isn't big business, and the idea of eating so many vegetables just doesn't seem right. That's okay.
It seems right to me, especially now that I've gotten started and I'm already feeling better in ways I didn't even expect.
So, here is where I confess.
I have been depressed, lately. I mean like... text book depressed with the whole list of symptoms. I've been feeling like shit. I've even thought about going back on Zoloft, and conceding that the only way to treat depression is through manipulating my brain chemicals through medication. Don't get me wrong, I have a long history of of being very PRO manipulating my brain chemicals. I'm not an anti-medication sort of person.
Or maybe I am. Maybe I've grown up enough that I can admit that yes, I was once so in love with medication that I thought nothing of putting a needle into my arm several times per day, even if it meant that I might die at any moment, and now I don't even want to take an antidepressant because it seems too unnatural.
Is that okay? I'm one of those people, now. Let's just all be okay with it.
I don't want to take Zoloft, not just because of my ideas about medication, but because I didn't like how it made me feel.
It made me feel less depressed, I guess. It made me more calm. I didn't have as terrible of a temper. Finding a lost shoe didn't cause me to dangle over the edge of the precipice of TOTALLY LOSING IT.... but I also just felt like a big, empty nothing. I didn't get excitable over a missing shoe, but I didn't get excitable about ANYTHING. I didn't care about things. I couldn't get turned on, about sex or anything. I didn't feel passionate or fiery. I didn't feel hilarious and wild. I just felt okay.
I was fine.
Anybody who knows me well knows that I have a total thing against being fine. Fine is my enemy. Fine is the embodiment of everything I recoil from. Fine means that you're nothing, or you're lying. It means that you're mad or sad or disappointed, but you don't want to say so. What's the matter? Nothing, I'm FINE.
I wasn't depressed with sadness, irritability, insomnia, chronic pain, hopeless, trouble concentrating, loss of interest, avoiding friendships, lack of motivation and weight gain. But, I was fine.
It got to be so that I couldn't look in the mirror.
And then, when I stopped taking it, I couldn't look in the mirror then, either.
I've been lost and feeling isolated and desperate.
You might not see how all of that equals out to it being time to juice fast, but it's been a very good idea, for me.
I'm feeling so much better, already. I think that probably a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm taking some kind of action and getting my thoughts and actions organized. I'm sticking with it, so I don't feel like a total failure. Also, juicing and eating so outrageously healthy has been wonderful motivation to exercise and do yoga and take time to myself. It's so valuable to me to not feel totally out of control, and feel in control of something, ANYTHING, is something I've sorely needed.
The surprising part is how much better I feel physically. I had no idea that by super charging myself with more veggies and fruits than anybody would ever dream to consume, I could actually get rid of pain that I've been living with, (and HATING) for probably about 3 years.
My family is full of arthritics, fibro-myalgia-ics and stiff, broken people. Ever since I worked out through my pregnancy with Louisey, I have had tendonitis in my Achilles that has caused me unbelievable stiffness and pain. I've tried massage, stretching and strengthening exercises, wraps and supports and a wide array of orthopedic mom shoes and nothing really helped.
After three days of radically changing my diet to include ridiculous and obscene amounts of raw vegetables and fruits, and cutting out everything else, (especially, I'm suspecting, sugar and dairy)... my annoying, on the verge of debilitating tendon pain has completely and mysteriously vanished. It's shocking to stand up and start walking and have it not hurt at least a little bit. Who knew this was even possible? It feels sort of like a miracle.
I'm excited to find out how many more awesome surprising things might happen if I keep taking care of myself, this way. If I keep feeling organized and purposeful and healthy. If I actually, finally do get a fucking grip. I feel sort of like I might be on my way.
So, this was Day 3.
Wish me luck.