There are things I resolved to do... work on a second novel, get in shape, twice weekly yoga, meditate a few minutes every day.
I have accomplished exactly 0% of this.
My kids, our schedule, the heat maybe and my indecisiveness have me so exhausted that I can't even think about trying to carve out time to write a book. I wake up in the morning and immediately jump into GO MODE. Before I even sit up in bed, I'm going over and over in my head what we need to do today, how much time we have to get dressed and fed and brushed and ready, what work I need to get done and how much time I'll need to do it, fitting in the gym, working around Louisey's nap and Scouty's activities and making sure that the girls are getting the most fun of their summer as humanly possible.
I'm failing at everything I set out to do for myself. I don't even know where to begin, except maybe waking up at 5am and cutting time with Kurt out of my life completely. I could make the girls play quietly in their rooms for an hour or two each afternoon instead of swimming and playing in the sandbox so that I could write my articles. I could keep Scouty from playing sports or participating in other activities so that we could go to the gym during that time. I could tell Kurt that the two hours we see each other each day isn't as important to me as working on my writing and cut him out.
Does this all sound like one big excuse? I know that people are fond of saying, "If you want something, you find a way to make time for it."
But, what if you want happiness for two people who are totally dependent on you, and you want a relationship with your husband and you want your children to have experiences and fun and exposure to many different things in the world. And you want to cook everything from scratch because you want your children to be healthy and you want to have relationships with your friends and you want to have enough money to pay your bills and buy groceries, so you have to do work. And you want to write a book and get in shape.
What if there just isn't enough of you to find a way to make time for all of the things that are important to you?
I feel like even having dreams for myself creates stress for me. Like, if I just gave up and decided that my one goal was to make my kids happy and make sure they're healthy, and that I was going to dedicate all of my resources to that task... denying about my own interests and needs, I would feel better than I do now.
Writing a book, getting in shape, taking yoga class... these things just end up hanging over my head, being pushed to the bottom of my to-do list and making me feel like shit about myself because I don't get to them. Every time I mean to write in the evening and can't because Kurt gets sick with the stomach flu and I have to stay with the girls. Every time I put on my workout clothes and decide to go to the gym as soon as Louisey wakes up from her nap, and she wakes up grumpy and hungry and throws a tantrum and we don't make it out of the door before it's time to pick up Scouty. Every time I decide that I'm going to start working on my articles in the afternoon while the girls play and they come up to me and say, "Could you please play Orbeez with us?" and I don't want to tell them, "I can't pay attention to you, because getting my work done is more important than playing with you."
All of these things make me feel like an unbelievably unsuccessful person. I feel out of control, like I don't get to make my own choices about my life.
The truth is... about three times per week, I get to the gym for an hour, but it's on a haphazard schedule that just happens when it happens. Once or twice each week, I get a chance to write something I want to write. Every week, I get my work done on time... but just barely. I'm not exactly thriving at being a put together writer who works out every day and manages stress properly and attends to her interests and maintains friendships, juices every day for two meals and initiates satisfying sex with her husband.
I suck.
But, I'm okay at trying. I'm okay at getting out of bed in the morning. I'm okay.
Do you want to know something else? I'm really, really good at being a mom. I'm really good at making sure my kids are happy and engaged with the world. I'm really good at giving them life experience, at taking them out to see the world, setting them up to be confident and secure, making sure they're happy and healthy. It takes up almost all of my time and energy, but I'm doing a really good job.
What would happen if I focused more on the things I'm doing right, than the things I'm failing at?
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| fancy preschool tea parties |
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| apricot tart |
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| camping |
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| picking raspberries |
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| movies in the park |
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| thai food even though it's too spicy for Scouty |
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| idlewild park with our cousin, baby c |
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| grumpy shy breakfast with friends at Sugar Cafe in Dormont |
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| playing on the big girl playground |
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| even the big girl slide |
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| big 4th of july parades |
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| beautiful, healthy, happy kids |
Happy summer to you and your beautiful babies, families and friends. Let's try to take it easy on ourselves. We're doing the best we can.
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Your children are f'ing BEAUTIFUL. Had to say that first. What beautiful little girls. And the fact that you're a great mom... THAT is success. You could write the best novel ever (which you still might!) and it will be nothing compared to raising those babies so well. Seriously. After only being a momma for a month, I know how difficult it is. I hope I can be good at it too. Life will not always be what it is now. If you can't find the time to write now, you WILL, one day. Until then, write in the tiny little moments you have. Maybe even get a tape recorder and when you're waiting for the girl's to be done with sports or school, dictate observations, notes. You're doing great. And you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI feel this post with everything I am. I'm not sure if you've read any of the recent articles in The Atlantic but there's been a conversation going on about whether women can "have it all," and it's all resonated very much with me.
ReplyDeleteI am very much like you. I have a few goals that I'd like to meet (the same goals even). However, what I have come to realize is that there are only so many hours in the day, we have no one to help us with the kids, we are both working, we are both tired, etc. I can't speak for Roy, but most of my energy each day goes to the kids. I often feel bad because I am not meeting my personal goals. There are things I want to do with my life that have nothing to do with my kids - and yet my family is my #1 priority. They always will be, but someday the nature of things as they are right now will change. They will be in school, they will be more independent, and I will probably have more time to pursue my other passions seriously, if I'm not busting my ass working 60 hours a week to pay off our stupid student loans. ;)
I think that's why I made the page a day writing goal for myself for the year I'm 33 (and hopefully beyond). A page is not a lot, but it's something. And it's a commitment to something that's hugely important to me. I just have to be realistic; I can't vow to write 10 pages a day. It just won't happen. I am doing the best I can with what I have. And our babies are our greatest contribution to the world. It's only fair that they require the most work.
that tart....oh my goodness. <3
ReplyDeleteI hate summer. I really do. It's such a demanding season. On the one hand, I do think it's OK to sometimes tell your kids, "I can't play with you now, I do have something more important to do." You aren't telling them THEY are less important. You are telling them you are human and that grownups have different priorities.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I get it that the kids won't hear that. They'll hear "Mommy doesn't want us." And I get that just the feeling of too much to do will lead to nothing done. (Said the woman who forgot a deadline for the second time in a month.)
Personally? I think you're kicking 'getting it done's' ass, and your plan to focus on the things that are gong right is fucking brilliant.
I've known a lot of writers for a long time and the truth that nobody really writes about online or anywhere is that it's either your daily gym routine OR your book. I'm not trying to be grouchy & nasty, it's just--it's way more the norm than not the norm to not be able to do both of those things at once at a full pace. Seriously with two little ones it's insanely impressive that you get to the gym 3 days a week! Summer is a crap time to start a book anyway in my experience--writing goes a lot faster & easier in the fall.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous commenter... you just made a lightbulb come on over my head. For years, I've feeding myself lines like, "The only thing standing between you and your dreams is YOU" or whatever. I've been panicking if I put my energy into something and then it starts to slip in other places. I LOVE that you just told me that when you're working on a book, it's okay to not also be counting calories and at the gym every day and baking cupcakes for the kindergarten party and keeping up a roaring social life and giving my kids an exciting life at the same time. I've never felt permission to focus on one thing and let up on other things, and I didn't even realize I was doing that. I never feel proud of myself because I fail at everything, instead of taking turns excelling at each thing on it's own.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU.
A fucking men. There's so much pressure to do everything all the time. And if I don't do it I feel so guilty for being a failure either in my job, as a mom, or some other way.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to just let go & enjoy life at times.
I'm trying though...