I don't write this blog because I need advice.
I don't write it because I'm looking for help.
When I reveal something about the way I'm feeling, it's not because I'm lacking or stupid or under educated and I'm hoping the somebody out there will be able to fix my problems.
I'm not full of problems any more than anybody else is. It's just that I make it a point to express the things a lot of people feel the need to keep private or secret. I don't feel like I gain anything by pretending that I feel a way I don't feel. I don't feel like anybody else can gain anything from me if I'm pretending that only certain parts of me are real or valid. I'm not any unhappier or more disorganized or failing than the millions of other people who live a life like mine.
When I reveal something that a person normally wouldn't, it's because I KNOW that you feel the same way. Maybe you haven't said so. Maybe you feel like you can't say so. Maybe you're not admitting it, but, if you have any capacity to understand me and my life, if we are people who believe similar things and live under similar circumstances, you'll read where I'm admitting that I'm lost or I'm crazy or I'm losing it or I'm delirious or I'm lonely or I'm depressed, and you'll feel like... THANK FUCKING GOD somebody else feels that way.
You don't need to hear about it every time I have a perfectly fine experience, having brunch and taking a walk, or whatever. I do those things all the time. I have happy, fine experiences all the time. Every day, all day. I just don't write about them, because I mean... I had lunch with a friend today. She is going back to school. She looked nice, was wearing a headband. I wore a dress I liked. Louisey needed a diaper change in the middle of the meal, and so I had to change her. We decided that my friend and her daughter should come over to swim later this week. We got a little pool with a pump and a filter. The girls and I have been having a really fun time swimming in it and it would be nice to have a friend come over and swim with us. They're coming to Louisey's birthday party on Saturday. I need to make a quinoa salad this evening and decide what kind of cake I'm baking.
That is what my life is like, on a day to day basis. I don't write about that stuff very much. Please forgive me, but I don't have any desire to write about that stuff. It's my life. I live it every day. My life is pretty ordinary and fine and sweet and nice... but I am not just an ordinary and nice girl. There is more to me than swimming and lunch and splitting a cupcake, oh why not? Naughty, naughty! I don't go into a writing spell and just HAVE TO GET OUT how we ate lunch at the park and then went to the library and held hands crossing the street and we loved one another like we always do.
I don't need advice about how to be happier. Unless you're my husband or my child or my mother or my sibling, you don't know me and my life better than I do. Unless you're reading what I write here and feeling like, "I go through that all the time," or "I've been through that so many times," I probably didn't write that particular post for you. Actually, if you read something I've written, and you feel like you know what I need better than I do and you feel an urge to help me because I'm stupid or crazy or a poor, poor thing - then I DEFINITELY didn't write that post for you. If you're looking at the things I share about myself, and all you see if a bunch of mistakes and unhappiness, then you're not really getting it. And that's totally okay.
I like it when something I say makes somebody else feel less lonely. And I like it when I share something that's hard to share, and I find out that I'm not alone, either.
I am grateful for you. I am so happy that you're here and that you share your life with me. I love that I've made friends doing this. I've come to know so many people I love and admire. Every time you write to me and say, "I feel this post with everything that I am," I feel like we're all doing something important together. We're telling the truth and we're being together, and for a host of reasons, society doesn't want us to tell the truth. We're supposed to feel lonely and not good enough and most of all, we're supposed to feel afraid. We're not used to telling the truth. It feels weird to be honest about JUST HOW IMPERFECT we are. We're used to cleaning our houses in a fury before people visit. We're used to saying, "Good! I'm fine, thanks! How are you?" Maybe you don't have the exact same flaws that I do, but you're full of your own. I know they are in there, millions of them squirming around under the surface... and I love you for them.
I'm fine, thanks. And sometimes I'm not. I need to tell both stories. That's why I do this.