I'm taking a hiatus.
I feel like I've lost focus, like I'm not sure what the point of my blogging is, right now.
Writing here used to bring so much love into my life. I made connections with people and felt like a part of something important, and wrote things that made me feel happy and proud.
Lately, I'm just sick of reading my own words. I feel like everything I write is like... either annoying or depressing or forced or weird and that nobody is getting anything good out of it, including me.
I need to regroup, rethink and figure out what I'm trying to accomplish with my words.
See you soon!
I'll miss your writing. But sometimes we all need to take a break- I hope it's a refreshing one and not a guilty-ack-I-suck-I-should-be-blogging-Oh-but-I-hate-my-writing type of break.
ReplyDeleteHey, you took down your deep dark secret post! I was just going to comment on it, and this one too.
ReplyDeleteBlogging for me is a tricky business, hence my real lack of posts for quite awhile now. (I actually started writing a post last night, though.) When I sit down and think about it, it's hard to know why blogging is for me - hence my not being sure if blogging IS for me. Anyway, I get where you're coming from. Breaks are a valid thing. Enjoy yours!
Leslie, I feel like it made Kurt uncomfortable. He was stammery and weird in reacting to it, and that made me feel bad. I try not to write things here that make him feel weird. It sucks, though, because it made me feel like the "secret" was really a big deal, when the whole point of me writing about it was to make it/point out that it shouldn't be such a big deal. I've even done way worse things in my life. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I have been reading your blog, but have not commented previously. I think you writing is superb, and enthralling, the depth and grit you bring is so refreshing. I appreciate the way that you show every side of yourself unselfishly, and the depth of your love for your family is palpable. I think you must give yourself a break, you are so strong, if it comes apart, guess what, you can handle it, your kids will be okay. Take the help Kurt is giving in his own way, as this is rare. I know it is hard to let go of some of the control, it is terrifying because you feel like your whole world will come crashing down if you release the strangle hold you have on it, but I heard something that resonated with me once, and I try to live by it. Go all the way in your mind to the worst case scenario, and ask youself if it is something you can deal with. I find in almost every situation the answer is yes, the reason I suppose is because we have to. Breathe, be kind to you and trust yourself....
ReplyDeleteI recently discovered you through Rain's blog and I love and truly appreciate your honesty. Taking a break is necessary. I find that as mamas, there are times when we need to hunker down in the wolf's den, tune out the noise from the outside world, and deal with our own stuff. I don't know if that's how you're feeling, but I know when I need to "go deep." I look forward to reading your next post when you're ready. (BTW - I've bookmarked your blog in my "Goddess" folder, because I think you are indeed a goddess.)
ReplyDeleteMy Earth Walk Journey - Thank you for taking a moment to reach out to me. It means a lot to me because sometimes I feel like I'm writing and writing and nobody is reading. So, yes. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm having a problem because I have no source of spirituality in my life, right now. I don't mean religion. I don't want religion. But, I used to have nature and sex and friendship and love and misbehaving... and now all I have is chores and doing work in the evening at Starbucks. I'm happy to have the life I have. I'm lucky to get to stay at home with my loves, but I feel like I've lost a connection with myself, and I need to take a breath and reach out and see what I can find. <3
gail, yes. that is exactly how I feel. I feel disconnected with myself, like I have no spirituality. Everything I do is automatic and task-oriented. I just need to quiet down for a little bit and see what I can find inside of myself. Thank you for letting me know that you'll be here when I get back. <3
ReplyDeleteGrace, I pretty much feel guilty about everything all the time, so I will try my best to not make it that kind of break, but I'm not making any promises! <3
ReplyDeleteWill miss your insights and wit, but I understand the need to step back on occasion. Take special care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, you've written exactly what I was going to write. Actually, I did write it. It's saved in drafts, because I knew I'd miss the blog the second I took it down.
ReplyDeleteI blame summer. Nobody reads blogs during the summer; or else nobody comments. It feels like a vacuum, for me. But I get the lack of spirituality thing, too.
Come back, soon. xx
Diane - I will try! I never take time to care for myself, and I think it's in order.
ReplyDeleteLisa, it is like a vacuum. I feel like I'm just writing and writing and it doesn't mean anything and it's not going anywhere. Sometimes I just write because I feel like I have to, and it comes out totally sucky and annoying but I just plug away at being annoying until I can't stand my own voice.
ReplyDeleteI need to just like... dedicate myself to enjoying my life, somehow, and that way I'll have something less depressing to write about. Maybe.
Dear Amanda,
ReplyDeleteThough we haven't met, I feel that you, and your family are a big part of my family and friends. I always tell them to make sure they take time out for themselves, to make sure they're happy and to make sure they're feeling love in their own lives before focusing on others. I check in to your blog at least 5 times a week, and though I understand support your decision to make sure you're taking care of what's important to you. I will miss your writing.
Love, laugh and be safe.
Jenny
I am about to oder a book to read by Michael Singer, it is the Untethered Soul, I have only just heard about it, and saw an interview with him. I am late to the game I guess, but it sounds like something that would speak to your needs right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling the same way! I blame summer, I think. I get more down on myself in the summer for some reason and my writing is awful awful. it feels whiny ( actually it IS whiny)and just..well.. it doesn't flow. it doesn't come easily and I'm sick of my thoughts too. Yours, on the other hand, i could never get sick of. Everything you write resonates with me in one way or another. I feel more human and understood if that makes any sense? You are blow-your-mind talented with words. I hope your break lets you feel renewed and inspired. I should really take a break too. I'm getting repetitive :) Anyway, selfishly hope you blog soon and totally understand why you feel the need to step away for a bit. xo
ReplyDeleteI too want to chime in here to let you know that I'm here, I read you, sometimes a bit late because that's my life. I like to read you but I also think you are a wise, wise woman to follow your whims. (I hope you don't think I denigrate your decision by using that word, I don't mean too ... instincts might just be better.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've been musing on what I am doing and what I can do in the coming months seeing as my kids are staying home for school for the time being. I feel pretty overwhelmed by it, after all, their early school years were supposed to be MINE to figure out me and my next step. And with big things happening (my mom died recently, you know, as an example), I am not finding much in the way of processing time.
Whoops! I was going to only write about you and that I enjoy much of what you write. I look forward to reading when you come back, and want to encourage you to know (as my eldest sister told me over and over again till only recently): these are, in some ways, the hardest years of mothering. There is no break, little let up. But it does ease up, after the little one is out of the diapers, after they can better express themselves as autonomous creatures. It does ease up.
(((HUGS))) We'll see you when we see you. lotsa love.
I get it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you'll come back refreshed and refocused.
Because absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you will miss your words being here...as witness to your incredible gift of writing.
We'll see you when you're ready.
Until then, all my love.
xo