We went on a trip with my dad. When he heard that Kurt wasn't able to go on either of his vacations, this year, he scrambled at the last minute to find a house in the Outer Banks, and we spent the week together.
My sister is also going through something terrible. Her very most important person, the one who said I do, he just didn't come home one day. She has a little boy. My nephew. He's three. My dad has been taking time off of work to be with them. He rode with them to the city to find a new place to live.
It's become important to me, the way we can create new histories with people.
If you're an asshole or a junky drop out, you can grow a person in your belly for almost a year. You can wake up every day and hold that little person and feed them and help them to grow. You can teach them language and kindness and how to sing. Pretty soon, you're something else. You're something amazing and nobody can say shit to you.
I think it's true for other people, too. People who spend a long time making mistakes.
There isn't anything they can do to fix things, or to make anything up to you, but they can show up on the morning after your husband has left you and they can stay until you're not afraid to breathe. They can love your kids, removed from them by a generation. They can want to be a part of your life, in the little ways you'll allow. They can wake up every day with good intentions, and maybe someday they'll be something new, too.
There's nothing that be done about what's already happened, but we're not done living, yet, either. I never thought I'd be open to anything but a tentative, one-sided arrangement with my father, where I'd let him bring the girls presents for Christmas, or whatever, but I'd never allow him in. I never thought my girls would run to him, have a nickname for him, and jump up and down with excitement at the mention of him. I never thought I'd be okay with them loving him, with their innocence and open hearts. I never thought I'd be anything but afraid of him, of what he means to me, of how he was the reason I spent my youth under water.
But I'm willing to let people change my mind, like I changed theirs. Little by little, like drops of water in the mouth of a river.