Can we talk about writery stuff?
I want to write a book. I feel it tumbling around inside of me.
The thing is, I also...
...stay at home with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. I'm committed to them. I do everything I can to make them happy and healthy and safe every moment of every day. They make the sun come up in the morning. Which is to say that they take up all my time and energy.
...spend an hour five days per week working out. I recently, finally, alluded to my health issues. It's really important to me that I'm doing everything I can to be strong and healthy.
...get paid to write a health column.
...try to keep up with this blog.
At the end of every day, I've spent literally hours writing. I love it. I love getting paid to write. I love sharing my thoughts here. I love that I have the stamina and resolve to write for hours every day.
But, I also think about how it would be nice if I was working for hours every day on writing a book.
I wrote a book, once, and it was an amazing, important experience for me. It changed who I am and what I want to be. Years have gone by since then and I've learned a lot about not putting everything I've got inside of me into one piece of writing, about not using up all the words in the world. I've been a little gun shy about starting a second book. I've felt nervous that I didn't have it in me to gut myself again, to rearrange my marriage and our schedule and turn down lunch dates on the weekend so that I could write. I've felt like I couldn't make up another story that would ever be as important to me as THAT one. That I could never love anybody like I loved THAT one.
But, I feel like I'm ready, now. Expect... when am I supposed to do this, exactly?
Something would have to give. I simply don't have any time or energy left over to commit to another project without closing something down. The girls get all of my time, from the moment I open my eyes until Daddy gets home at 5:30. That leaves me 2-3 hours in the evenings to do everything else I need to do. It's hard to be a person who gets shit done when you only have 2 hours, do you know what I mean?
So, I don't know what I'm saying, exactly. I need a stand in to make breakfast and pick out school clothes, maybe. I need to get up early to go to the gym, maybe. I need to stay up later and wake up earlier. I need to quit working or quit blogging. I need a little necklace that turns back time. What do you think?