Well, fuck.
I have something to tell you about myself.
It has been two and a half years since I had a panic attack. I had even started to associate them with being postpartum, and believed that they were over, for me. I believed they were a unhappy memory, something I'd tucked neatly away on the top shelf of my bedroom closet between boxes of pictures from my childhood.
But then, I got sick about two weeks ago, and I started to feel the electricity of fear, and everything quickly tumbled out of control.
I'm a mess, right now. I'm stuck in an OCD loop of fear and anxiety, racing thoughts, and being afraid that I might panic, at any moment. I wake up in the morning and immediately scan my body for signs of anxiety. Do I feel shaky? I little bit. Fuck. Do I feel light headed? I think so. Fuck. I lay awake at night with my thoughts running around in circles, trying to talk myself out of anxiety, only, the more I fight it, the bigger it gets and pretty soon I'm paralyzed by a fear that I'm losing control of my own mind. That my anxiety will get worse and worse and I'll end up being shackled to a bed under a fluorescent light and nobody will be here to hug and love my babies. That I'll go crazy or I'll die or that I'm having a seizure or I'll pass out while driving and everything will be wrong and wrong forever.
All of this to say... I am going through a really terrible bout with panic, and I need your love. Is that okay to ask for? It's a bold move, for me, to ask for support, but I really need it, right now. I need your thoughts and your words and your experiences and your hands. I need your kindness. I need you. I live like I'm alone on an island, all the time and it is exhausting. I need baskets of fruit and cards and hugs and cups of tea and to not be alone, in this.
I have panic disorder. I thought it was gone, but it won't really ever be gone.
I'm trying to be brave and face this head on, but these things can be complicated. They can take time and perseverance.
The other day. I went to the er, even though I knew I wasn't having a heart attack. Still... I googled the symptoms and I WAS nauseated and had a pain between my shoulder blades. They gave me the full work up, and I'm physically perfectly healthy.
I visited a GP, and asked to be put back on zoloft, even though I hated taking zoloft because it killed me inside and made me uninterested and passionless. The doctor checked my thyroid, liver and blood sugar, and everything is normal. I started taking the familiar blue pills, expecting relief, and, instead, it SHOT MY ANXIETY THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF. I mean, I was shaking and grinding my teeth and bawling as soon as Kurt got home and the girls were out of ear shot, begging him, "Just love them. I'm going upstairs to a mountain of blankets that will only be tangled and feel wrong." Parts of my body were trembling uncontrollably. I had terrible hot flashes and pressure in my head, and woke up at night drenched in sweat, freezing with my teeth chattering.
I'm telling you this, because it's true. Because other people are going through what I'm going through and they feel alone, like something is wrong with them and nobody understands. I understand. It's hell. It's embarrassing. It feels like something I should be able to laugh off or get a grip on, but I can't.
I stopped taking zoloft after ten days, after speaking to a doctor and having him tell me that my reaction was adverse, that nobody should put themselves through something like this. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks to talk about a medication that will work with me. That's as soon as anyone can see me. A few weeks is a lifetime away and it's Christmas and what if I ruin everything?
I was given xanax, until then. I have an irrational fear of taking xanax, even for a few weeks, because everybody is always like, "Oh my god, if you take a single xanax you'll be addicted to it in like... a day and your life will fall apart." I hate the thought of it. I call Kurt and work and say, "I feel like I need to take a xanax, but I'm afraid to. Can you tell me it's okay?"
So, here I am. This is about as vulnerable as I get, telling you all of this shit. I'm disappointed because I thought I was over this, that panic disorder was a phase of my life that I could look back at and scoff at. That I was better, now. Stronger and more capable. I feel defeated and humbled. I feel like shit.
All I can do is play with my kids, get take out for dinner because meal planning is overwhelming, right now. Trying my best not to feel guilty about everything that is overwhelming, right now. All I can do is meet my wonderful mommies for lunch, take our kids for mini hikes through the woods, snuggle up on the porch swing with cups of tea. Collect pine cones; marvel over them, crouched in the leaves with my two year old. I can share headphones with my big girl, listen to music and rest my forehead on hers, before we get out of bed in the morning.
All I can do is become an open vein, ask my husband to sit with me and hold my hands. Tuck the blankets around my girls at night and watch how beautiful they are while they sleep. I whisper to my little one, "I love you," and she whispers back with her eyes closed. I love you, too.
All I can do is keep moving forward. I can't cry. I can't eat. All I can do is feel worried about something that isn't even real. It's all in my head. All I can do is face this, try to own it and also... I need you. I do. We all need each other, I think.
Thank you so, so much for this. I too struggle immensely with panic attacks and anxiety and OCD and depression. Thank you for the courage to share the shit none of us like to discuss, the things we're sure everyone will read and want to send us to the nut house for. I just want you to know that you are so not alone, and I'm fighting right beside you. If it helps, here are my vulnerable thoughts about having to call a crisis team: http://neuralpermutations.blogspot.com/2012/11/survival.html
ReplyDeleteHUGS TO YOU!!!
I love you,
ReplyDeleteI go thru the same thing, I have full blown PTSD from my son's birth a year ago and the 11 weeks in the NICU that followed. I too struggle every day to keep my head on.. not even straight just ON...
Hated the Zoloft... hated how it made me feel, and what it did to my body.
You have the love of many...
Thank you :)
You are a good person and a great mom. This is what Xanax is for. You are not an addict. You are not your anxiety. You manage it. You're still here, and that means you win.
ReplyDeleteYou win. And by sharing, you share the win.
I'm here, I'm always here, I've been here for a long time. Always ask if you need support. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to know and harder to feel but you are enough. Even in your panicky panics and your 5th day of take out and freezer food and living out of clean laundry baskets. You are enough and it is okay.
Hi everybody! Can we all just virtually be together? I have severe anxiety, OCD, and just for extra fun might be going through menopause at 32. I need to know other people do this. I need support.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this.
I am so sorry that you're going through this. Really, you have my deepest sympathy AND empathy. Because I get it. I really do. Maybe not your exact situation but I get it. I'm sorry. I love you, and I understand.
ReplyDeleteWe're all so much more alike than we are different. We out here are so grateful for those of you out there that will write without reservation about these struggles that are so familiar to so many.
ReplyDeleteSo many people love you. Deeply, you also love you. You're part of a giant ball of energetic love. The panic is debilitating, nonetheless.
The medication is there to calm your physical symptoms after your brain has conspired to send fight/flight hormones flooding your body, so that you can do all the little things that you know how to do to more forward. Use the tools you've been given, it's OK.
I only know what you're going through as someone who loves someone who struggles with OCD and panic/anxiety too. It took about two years for us to find the right combo of meds for our son. It's so difficult to try to explain to people this is not something you can 'snap out of." I hope you can find some peace with the help of your new doctor. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteYou are going through such a hard time right now, and only you can get yourself through it, but hopefully it helps in some way to know that so many people understand what you're going through, so while you must get yourself through it, you are in no way alone. I've definitely dealt with intense anxiety attacks, and I personally know several other beautiful souls who have worked through life with them as well. I only started reading your blog a few days ago, but I have been enchanted and inspired by your words, your vision of life... I thik certain people are so open and giving that it leaves them feeling very vulnerable to all sorts of things... you want to be open to all that's beautiful in the world, and that also leaves you open to dangers named and unnamed... everything in the world that feels so so beautiful makes the scary things feel very very scary. I understand your feelings of conflict over taking medication... I have been there. But it is nothing to be ashamed of! I have taken Xanax on and off over the years, and have never felt addicted. I always loathe to take it, because it feels as though it takes me away from the world in some way, which I so long to be part of. I think some people ENJOY that feeling of everything going away, and that same effect is what can help you through this rough time; but I believe your obvious deep desire to be a part of this world and all its beauty will keep you from becoming addicted to the feeling that Xanax creates.
ReplyDeleteThough I have never met you, my very best thoughts are with you, and I know you can get through this. <3
"Joy and sorrow are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." (Kahlil Gibran)
I'm a bipolar mama in the midst of my first episode in five years. I am proud of those five years. I made it through post-partum without a hiccup. I managed to work, raise two kids and be a loving wife. But one day? My brain just broke again. It did it for no reason, it just did. It started with panic attacks, which should have warned me, then moved to crushing depression coupled with constant anxiety.
ReplyDeleteBut.
I will not give in. You, your blog, the other commenters...we are strong enough for this. It is not instant and it is not a forever cure, but we are strong enough to make today good enough. And if today sucks, well, tomorrow might be better. I have to believe these things, because I haven't seen my daughter in a prom dress (or black lipstick). I haven't danced with my son at his wedding. I just really need to see how this all turns out, you know?
oh darlin. your vulnerable is part of your beautiful. your vulnerable makes you brave. you are AMAZing. i don't know who made up the rule that if we were strong we wouldn't need ____, but it's not true. we need each other, we need sunshine and rain, we need meds, we need love. we need. that's beautifully ok. own your need.
ReplyDeletelove you. hang in there mama.
I hope that through this time you can go easy on yourself, as your writing lays out. I hope you use it as your map, your textbook, and be okay with what you can do, as you breathe. Gently In. Gently Out. And love yourself, as best you can, and not kick yourself for not loving yourself enough, or whatever you tell yourself about not being enough. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave. You're engaging in radical self-love and self-acceptance, and that is maybe the greatest contribution any human can make. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteFirst, yes, it's OK to take a Xanax. Absolutely fine. I love you, and I have never met you, and I wish I could just wrap you up in a giant hug. Except that I'm a ball of messy emotions myself, so it would probably backfire in an ugly way for both of us.
ReplyDeleteSecond, when you tell the psychiatrist about the adverse zoloft reaction, don't leave out the dead inside reaction you had before. That is also an adverse reaction, and you don't have to have that response.
Third, take a look at what Lisa Harvey is doing. She's over at emptythewell.com now, and her way may have some bits you can use.
Fourth, if you ruin Christmas, you will be in excellent company. I just spent the day doing things that make me want to kill people in order to avoid putting up the fucking tree I hate. Poor Scott had to do it alone with both kids until I took the more obnoxious one with me. He and Caroline seem to have had a glorious time after that. Thank God. Because I didn't want to wreck it, but GOD it's hard. I see the thing, and I want to scream "take it down take it down" and I have to pretend I like it once the ornaments are on, and I don't, it reminds me of growing up and my poor Mom decorating the tree all alone and ... BLAH.
Third, hang tough. You can do this. Also, my number is 859-489-5548. If you need to panic and rant, I can listen.
I'm reading all of your comments, I want you to know that. I don't know what to say, at this point, to thank you... so I haven't said anything. I sit down and let my fingertips hover over all the letters I could be writing, but nothing comes out.
ReplyDeleteAll I want to say, is thank you for your support. You mean more to me than I can say.
It's kind of funny that I wasn't going to comment on this, because I didn't want to emote all over you and give you advice you couldn't use. And then I click over to see someone else is doing it for me. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnxiety is a whore. I was just gifted the lovely new diagnosis of bipolar, which just gets tacked on the end of a million other ones--depression, self-injury, etc etc etc. You know which one I'd get rid of, even if it meant keeping all of the others? The anxiety. The anxiety is fucking crippling.
Unsolicited advice: there are books that can help you a lot more than anyone realizes, I think. This one is for OCD specifically, but OCD is just anxiety wearing a different hat. This book is tits. It was my bible during my hardest days. http://www.amazon.com/Tormenting-Thoughts-Secret-Rituals-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/0440508479
And this one: http://www.amazon.com/The-Imp-Mind-Exploring-Obsessive/dp/0452283078/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_y is at least as good, maybe more so. These books tackle anxiety from a historical perspective and from a scientific one. They'll show you PET scan images of your brain at rest and your brain on anxiety. I cling to those images, because they remind me that this is chemical bullshit. This says nothing about my worth. This is real, and it is happening, and it can be treated.
As a mental health professional, I can say with some degree of sincerity that anxiety is treatable. This is not what the rest of your life is going to look like. This is just a hiccup. And you will get better. Things will get easier. Your children will, somehow, get even cuter. :-)
Take the freaking Xanax if it helps. New anxiety shovelled on top of old anxiety is terrible. If you can clear the plate every now and again, do it. You do not have to worry about being an addict, and you do not have to think a single negative thought about that drug. Your brain is an organ that isn't doing it's freaking job correctly right now. There's no shame in whipping that bitch back into shape with whatever tools you pick up along the way.
Life changes = stress. No matter if the changes are good or bad. That's lame. But true.
Keep writing, lady. We are listening. You are awesome. You've got this thing. You've totally got it. And when you don't? We'll get it for you.
xx
Here, wishing I could do more, but am here. In a way you are owning this beast by having the courage to share all of this. If it helps, you look strong and you sound fierce. It seems as though you have everything you need to beat it, let us accompany you until you get what you need.
ReplyDeleteJust sending love and telling you I've been there/am there with you and hope you can find peace soon.
ReplyDeleteI have been there, and for me, if I can identify the first irrational fear that enters, when if first begins, it lessens the effect. For me it seems like something that comes out of know where. I feel like everything is fine, and usually when I am driving or trying to get somewhere running late, really dont want to go, or be around certain people. The shaking, quivering, cant breath, cant focus, The usual thought, I dont know how or why, but I am going to die today, I cant get it out of my head, i sob, i cant focus. So believe me i relate, it doesnt happen often, and trying to soothe myself with the knowledge that it is irrational as soon as I have the feeling helps. It all goes back I think to something you have touched on before, self care, self compassion,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear you're going through this! Hugs! Tea!
ReplyDeleteI had years of panic attacks related to PTSD. EMDR therapy helped a lot, but it's just an awful feeling. Every time I hear a fire alarm/smoke detector, it comes back.
You're not alone. It's OK to take medicine to help you. Keep getting help. I wish it were all easier :).
I know what this is like, because my whole life I've suffered from anxiety attacks. I think I've gotten rather good at dealing with them, as infrequent as they are these days. The one thing I know about xanax (I have had a prescription for a few years now & use it as needed, maybe once a month) is that if I wait too long to take it, my anxiety is so high that I am actually TOO anxious to take the freaking thing. I worry about addiction or about wobbly legs, even though that really doesn't affect me.
ReplyDeleteI created a tip sheet (for myself, but then I shared it on my blog). If you're interested in a few of the things that work for me (usually), please look at this: http://jamesandjax.com/conquer-anxiety/.
And yes, it is OK--and admirable and strong--to ask for support and love in this way. I'm part of a group of women you might see on Twitter sometimes--the #ppdchat group. We have a secret FB group, too. I would love to see you there, if you feel you would benefit from a few hundred women reminding you, when you need it, just how strong you are and how far you've come and that you will be ok.